Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Michael Douglas Continues to Be the Worst

















It had been years and years since I last heard from him. I thought he'd lost my number.

But on that fateful afternoon, when my phone rang and I heard that familiar voice saying, "Hello, it's me, Michael Douglas," I knew it must be him.

"Oh," I replied. "Hi, Michael Douglas. It's really good to hear from you." It wasn't, but I couldn't tell Michael Douglas that because you know how sensitive he is. 

"I need to tell you something," said Michael Douglas. 

"Fine," I replied, and waited for him to go on.

"It's really hard for me to tell you this," Michael Douglas said and then paused for a very long time for dramatic effect. 

"Michael Douglas, please stop pausing for dramatic effect." 

"I can't. I'm an actor. Do you think I won an Oscar for playing Gordon Gekko in Wall Street without pausing for dramatic effect? No." I could tell he was pausing for dramatic effect right then to prove a point.

He finally went on.

"I also paused for dramatic effect in Basic Instinct, if you'll remember. And Wonder Boys. And...........................................Ant Man. Did you see Ant Man?"

"Yes, Michael Douglas. I did see Ant Man. It was very good. You were very good in it."

It's important to compliment Michael Douglas whenever possible. 

"And my dramatic pauses in it? Did you like those?" asked Michael Douglas. 

"Yes, yes, your dramatic pauses were really great, too." 

"Paul Rudd was in it. Do you like Paul Rudd? Do you know how many Oscars Paul Rudd has?" 

"Michael Douglas, did you call me to talk about Paul Rudd or was there something else you wanted to say?"

"He has negative three Oscars. I bet you didn't know that. A lot of people don't. It means that if you win an Oscar in the future, you are only digging yourself out of Oscar debt. If Paul Rudd wins four times, he can finally have a trophy. They have to melt down one of Meryl Streep's to make it though."

"That doesn't sound even remotely true, Michael Douglas. Now, please tell me what you wanted to say. I was in the middle of something extremely important."

"Oh, are you working?" 

"Yes, Michael Douglas." 

"Tell your director it's important and you need to take a break in your trailer and for someone to bring you something from craft services. Michael Douglas is on the phone and he something very, very important to tell you." 

"Michael Douglas, we don't have craft services here. I'm a regular person." 

Michael Douglas paused for dramatic effect for at least 30 seconds before saying, "Hello? You're breaking up. This is actor Michael Douglas." 

"Okay, okay," I said. "I'm going to my trailer right now." I mimed doing so for added effect. 

"Are you in your trailer yet?" Michael Douglas asked. 

"Yes, I'm sitting in my trailer right now. Now what did you have to tell me?" It's always best to just play along with Michael Douglas, I've learned.

Michael Douglas cleared his throat for twenty seconds.   

"Will you please tell me why you called, Michael Douglas?" I said at last, trying not to sound impatient.

"You called me," Michael Douglas replied. 

"No, I really didn't," I said, sighing heavily.

"When Gordon Gekko tells you you called him, you called him," Michael Douglas said.

"Fine, fine. I called you. I wonder what I wanted."

"You had something important to tell me?"

"Yes, Michael Douglas," I said, "I had something extremely important to tell you."

"What is it?" asked Michael Douglas. "I don't have all day. I'm very busy, seeing as I once won an Emmy for playing Liberace. I'M MICHAEL DOUGLAS."

"Did you just call me to list all of your awards and tell me that you're Michael Douglas?"

After a long pause for dramatic effect, Michael Douglas said, "Yes." And hung up. 

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