Monday, May 19, 2014

Some DIY Ideas for the Aspiring Murderers of Hannibal

So, you’re an aspiring murderer on the show Hannibal? I guess you already know that they set the bar pretty high for guys like you. You can't just shoot your best friend for sleeping with your wife or smother your mother-in-law with a pillow. You have to study art, poetry, and music for several years and then hone your craft through careful practice so that you can eventually create a work of art that will baffle the FBI, befuddle the homicide department, and put Martha Stewart to shame. It’s hard to keep your ideas (and your corpses!) fresh when the other serial murderers around you are turning their victims into DIY beehives, musical instruments, and corpse totems.

And you don't want to be labeled as a copycat, do you? 

So, check out these DIY ideas that will help you create a memorable calling card worthy of Hannibal Lecter himself.

1. The Wall Marlin. 

Do you have the old corpse of an elderly neighbor just lying around doing nothing in that moldy, old basement freezer of yours? Why not turn it into a conversation piece? While taxidermy is definitely a "been there, done that" for a lot of murderers, thanks to Norman Bates you can still create a clever, eye-catching piece of art with a few original accents. Maybe you want to make a bold statement about the beef industry? Why not procure a cow head from a local animal renderer and stitch it to a nude, headless corpse? Don't know how to get started? Take a class at your local community college under an assumed name. Murder is the gift that keeps on giving once you've mastered the art of taxidermy. Mount your favorite pieces over the operating table in your "man cave." The right work of art will definitely make your future victims scream things like, "Wowee!" and "AAAAA! SHIT!" and "Please, let me go. My family has money." 

2. The Fashionista.

If you're like most murderers, you don't have a lot of time to think about fashion. You tend to just crawl out of your cot, throw on some coveralls, a mask, and a pair of gloves, and you're out the door. But check this out. You can create a simple, fashionable handbag for carrying your murder tools out of those unwanted internal organs. Hollow out a kidney to use as a small purse for your poison vials. Or fashion a stomach and length of intestine into a roomy shoulder bag for the “axe murderer on the go.” Just pop them into the oven at a low temperature until they've reached a leathery consistency and can be easily stitched together using nondescript black twine. A hot glue gun and some jewels later, and you'll not only mystify the police, you'll be forevermore known as The Slasher [Who Knows How to Accessorize!]

3. The Footballer.

Sometimes running after fleeing victims and deadlifting corpses just isn't enough to keep a murderer in shape. So, why not up your cardio by fashioning an unwanted skull into a medicine ball using some ball bearings and discarded victim clothing? Or you probably have a lot of cars parked around your rural cabin. Why not create an obstacle course through your self-made junkyard? Or turn those rib bones that your dog keeps digging up into croquet wickets and schedule a tournament with Jeremy, your dark half? Just because you're a psychopathic loner doesn't mean you shouldn't be keeping in shape. Think of the fun the police will have when they finally discover your hideout and can’t help but play a few rounds of head golf before being slaughtered!

4. The Interior Decorator.

Is the centerpiece of your basement hideout that old corkboard with yellowed news articles about you posted all over it? (Hey, 1974 called, and it wants its Zodiac Killer back, am I right?) You don’t have to live that way when you have an unlimited source of raw materials at your disposal. A human skin rug can brighten up the hearth of that abandoned mental hospital on the outskirts of town. Or why not light up that condemned warehouse with a matching pair of lamps you fashioned from the hands of that graffiti artist who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? The cops might call you a murderer, but they won’t call that old barn where you keep your trophies “so last year.”

5. The Food Vendor.

I know what you’re thinking. “Do I look like Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street? Maybe you’d like me to sing you a few musical numbers before I cut off your head and run it up the flagpole in front of a local government building to be discovered by workers when they arrive at 7 AM?” But don’t misunderstand! There is a heap of recipes that the enterprising serial killer can incorporate into his craft without stepping on the toes of cannibals who have come before him. Maybe you’d like to be known as “The Pickler” or the “Cobbler” or “The Murderer Who Makes His Victims into Jerky.” (I’m still working on a name for that one.) It’s all possible with the right ingredients, a meat cleaver, and little bit of kitchen know-how.


Well, the ominous shadow outside on my patio tells me that it’s time to turn out my lights, grab a shotgun, and head to the closet upstairs. I hope these tips help keep you relevant the next time a victim is discovered sewn into a patriotic summer quilt. Best of luck and happy murdering!