Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How to Not Have a Job Effectively

I'm too unemployed to write a caption. 

So, I recently lost my job.

But don't cry for me, Argentina. I'm, like, fine. I've been trying to think of a metaphor to describe my ex-job for twenty minutes, and the only one I can think of is "human centipede." As in, "My former job was a human centipede." Not, "My former job was like a human centipede." Because that would be a simile.


When you're unemployed, people have a lot of advice. Like the reason you lost your job in the first place was maybe that you weren't networking effectively or using the right fonts on your resume. (Like layoffs have something to do with you, and not that your former company was run like a human centipede.) It's 10 percent "job fair blah-blah-blah" and 90 percent mouth farts. I'm all stocked up on advice over here. Thanks.

But what about the advice you need for when you're just sitting at home waiting for your unemployment benefits to go through? Or when you're waiting for that temp agency to email you back? Where's the advice for when you're just killing time, trying to make your life a little less shitty?

I'm so glad you asked. Here is my advice for being a better unemployed you.

1. Stock up on some unemployment groceries. This is not the time to blow all $0 of that severance package you didn't get because your former company was a human centipede on kale smoothies and yogurt. You need ice cream. You need chips. You need some cheese that comes in a can. Maybe you're feeling positive today and are thinking, "I'm going to get healthy!" But shut your dumb unemployed face and head over to the cookie aisle. Tomorrow you won't feel that positive, trust me. They have root beer float Chips Ahoy now. DID YOU KNOW THAT?? DID YOU? Of course you didn't. You were too busy before, checking your work email and putting in a request for some IT asshole to fix the copy machine, which he will ignore for at least three hours. GET THOSE COOKIES.

2. Leave notes around to remind you what day it is. About Day 3 of being unemployed, you'll stop looking at the clock. Darkness will come, and you'll be afraid. DON'T BE AFRAID. That darkness is totally normal. It just means it's time for you to have dinner, which will consist of a mustard sandwich and some stale crackers because you were too busy watching all of the Netflix to go outside all day and buy food things. Notes will remind you that it's Tuesday and you need toilet paper.

3. Stop doing your hair. Nobody cares.

4. When people ask about your day, tell them in detail so that they don't ask again. Like this, but all in monotone. "It was good. I woke up at 7 AM. I took a shower. I walked into the kitchen, but I was too depressed to cook, so I ate some peanut butter on a Triscuit. It was a garlic Triscuit. Then, I went to the bathroom where I sat on the toilet playing Tiny Tower on my phone for 45 minutes. Then, I sang 'The Wind Beneath My Wings' to my cats. They maybe loved it. I don't know. They were all asleep. I filled out unemployment paperwork. I wrote a cover letter for some job I'm overqualified for and probably won't even get an interview. I cried into a pillow. At 11:45, I ate lunch. What did I have? So glad you asked. It was just a can of beans, two Cheetos, and some water. No, that was yesterday. Today, I had some leftover taco meat. I'm going to trail off now because I don't really want to talk to you anymore…"

5. Shower?

6. Give yourself goals. Go out for things like pancake mix. Don't actually make pancakes. Look up things to do for free. Do none of them.

7. Pretend like you're in a big hurry at Starbucks. This is really fun. "I'm busy and important. I have a meeting in five minutes. Hurrumph! Hurrumph! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm CEO of Couch Corp. I'll have all your jobs." Don't drag it out too long, or you'll end up on YouTube.

8. Look at Facebook and play a drinking game where if people are talking about Orange Is the New Black, take one drink. For Game of Thrones, take two drinks. You can do this with either wine or water. Either you'll end up drunk or hydrated. The end.

Well, I'd love to stay and tell you more things to do, but I have to finish watching Community now. Okay, bye.

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