Thursday, June 19, 2014

FEAR ABBY: An Advice Column

Be afraid. To seek advice.


FEAR ABBY,

My boyfriend is cheating on me. What do I do?

Helpless in Wisconsin


HELPLESS IN WISCONSIN,

Do you have a cellar? Do you have gloves? Maybe it's time for Mitchell to have an accident. Oh, yeah. I know his name is Mitchell. I know where he lives. I know where you live. Do you always hide your house keys under that rock beside your porch?

Yours in Death,

FEAR ABBY



FEAR ABBY,

I can't help it. I feel like you're watching me all the time. In the shower. From my closet. Any time I'm alone. Is there any truth to this, or am I just being paranoid?

Your Next Door Neighbor Helen


ELLEN OR WHATEVER,

No, shut up. Just that one time.

I'm slowly and methodically killing you with poison,

FEAR ABBY



FEAR ABBY,

What do you mean you're killing me with poison?

Helen from Next Door


HELEN,

Oh, ha ha ha. I'm only kidding. It's just a little neighbor humor.

I ate your dog the other day,

FEAR ABBY



FEAR ABBY,

Do you have any advice for a guy who just wants to stand under the streetlight on the corner wearing a clown mask for a living?

Bongo the Terror Clown


Dear Bongo,

No. I am indifferent to your plight.

FEAR ABBY



FEAR ABBY,

Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that what happened to Scruffy? You MONSTER.

Helen from Next Door. You know, Helen of "Helen and Bob"?


HELEN,

I was just kidding. NO I WASN'T.

FEAR ABBY

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