Have you guys heard about this new movie coming out called City of Boners: Mortal Instruments? I know. I was totally intrigued too until I squinted and got closer and found out it was actually called City of Bones. Apparently it's a book I haven't read?
But that hasn't stopped me from writing a script for City of Boners for you. I hope you brought protection.
My Script for City of Boners
INT. Day- Remote village hut on the morning of Young One's 13th year of life.
Young One: Now that I have reached the age of shaving, I must travel to the City of Boners and find my destiny.
Wise Elder: Do not go without this sword, my child.
Young One: I thank you, old one. I am gladdened that you think me old enough to carry a long, hard sword, and not the small, soft one from my youth.
Wise Elder: Go now. Go to the City of Boners. Take with you only your sword and this pouch of seeds.
Young One: What do I do with the seeds, Wise Elder?
Wise Elder: You will know in time, my child. Now, go. For I must get back to polishing my own sword for the next five to fifteen minutes. After which time I will fall asleep.
EXT. Day- City of Boners
Young One: Ah, I have reached the City of Boners. [to Vendor] Where shall I go first?
Vendor: You must go first to the temple.
Young One: Where is it?
Vendor: Follow that path. You cannot miss it. The temple is tall and surrounded by a thicket.
Young One: I fear to go there. Is that normal?
Vendor: All fear the High Priest of Boners. He is the one who dwells in the temple. You cannot enter the City of Boners without his permission.
Young One: I will go then, but my sword will be drawn for safety.
Vendor: It would be safer to keep it sheathed. Trust me on this. I once entered the Temple of Boners with my sword unsheathed, and the next day I regretted it very much. I must avoid using my sword because of the burning sensation it still creates.
INT. Day- Temple of Boners
High Priest of Boners: It is I, the High Priest of Boners. Who enters here?
Young One: A youth from the nearby village. It is my coming of age time.
High Priest of Boners: Unsheath your sword, young one, and come forward.
Young One: I cannot. For it makes me very uncomfortable when people look at it.
High Priest of Boners: I insist. To enter my city, you must perform three tasks to prove that you are worthy. The first of these is to hold out your sword and measure it next to mine.
Young One: I will do it then, but I am still wary. My sword is sacred to me.
High Priest of Boners: Fear not. I see a hundred swords of young ones each week.
Young One: Okay, I guess.
[Young One gets out his sword and holds it out.]
High Priest of Boners: You must hold it out straight.
Young One: I apologize, High Priest. For I am nervous.
[The two measure their swords.]
High Priest of Boners: My sword is longer, but yours is more robust. That is to be commended.
Young One: My father says that it's not the size of your sword but how you use it.
High Priest of Boners: Your father is wise and must have a powerful, if small, sword.
Young One: He says it is average and has had no complaints.
High Priest of Boners: You must now prepare for the second task.
Young One: I am prepared. Tell me what I need to do.
EXT. Day- Forest
Young One: According to the High Priest of Boners, I am to find the Sacred Spring through this forest, but I am most definitely lost.
Spirit of the Woods: Lost, you say?
Young One: Yes. I am looking for the Sacred Spring. The High Priest of Boners sent me this way, but he was vague about the directions.
Spirit of the Woods: That's because all he does is look at swords all day. I can show you the spring myself, for a small fee.
Young One: Name your price.
Spirit of the Woods: It depends. I can guide your sword with my hands or tell you the way with my mouth.
Young One: I feel very warm suddenly and must sit down and shield myself from your view for a moment.
Spirit of the Woods: It is because the Sacred Spring is near. Your sword can sense its presence.
Young One: Please take me to the Sacred Spring.
Spirit of the Woods: Well, you are kind of cute. I guess I will show you the way for free.
Young One: I accept your guidance.
Spirit of the Woods: Just don't tell anyone.
EXT. 30 seconds later- Sacred Spring
Young One: I think have lost the pouch of seeds Wise Elder gave me.
Spirit of the Woods: [sighs] You definitely did. So....this is where I leave you, Young One. I must now go home and shower.
Young One: You have been more helpful than you will ever know. If I ever pass this way again, I will call you.
Spirit of the Woods: No, that is okay. I will call you.
INT. Day- Temple of Boners
Young One: I have returned, High Priest of Boners. I traveled to the Sacred Spring and back!
High Priest of Boners: Really? I was sure you would take one look at the Sacred Forest and turn back.
Young One: Tell me of the third task.
High Priest of Boners: Nah. You're good. You've already traveled to the Sacred Spring. Therefore, you do not need my guidance any longer. And, besides, I am out of thinly-veiled sword puns. Go now, back to your village and tell them of your travels.
Young One: But I want to stay in the City of Boners and travel every day to the Sacred Spring!
High Priest of Boners: Wouldn't we all?
Young One: I thought you preferred staying in your temple and measuring the swords of young ones.
High Priest of Boners: Just because I prefer to measure swords does not mean that I have never ventured out to the Sacred Spring once or twice.
Young One: I am not passing judgment. It's just strange that you did not seem to know the way and described it as cold and terrible, when I found it to be quite warm and pleasant.
[There is an uncomfortable silence.]
High Priest of Boners: I really want you to leave now, so I can get back to exercising and looking at these sword etchings.
Young One: Okay.
INT. Day- Remote village hut
[Young One enters.]
Young One: Wise Elder! I have returned!
Wise Elder: Good. Did you ever figure out that situation with your penis?
Young One: What?