Monday, August 5, 2013

The Answer to a Question That I Am Frequently Asked

There is one question that I am frequently asked, and I feel I should probably answer it now that several years have passed since the incident that led to the question in question.

Many, many people would like to know the answer to this question, but I am only telling you because you seem very nice. And only nice people deserve to know the answers to things. Like, if Hitler asked me about this question, I would say to him, "Sorry, Hitler. You're not nice. Not nice like…that person over there." And I would be pointing at you. Because you're nice and reading this within a short distance of my conversation with Hitler in this scenario. 

But you have to promise me that once you have heard the answer to the question, you will not tell anyone. You'll just write it down on a piece of paper, put the piece of paper in a wooden box that you carved yourself, lock it, and then put it in a high security vault where it will be monitored 24/7 by armed guards that are extremely handsome.

The handsome part is non-negotiable. My secrets cannot be guarded by anyone with a weak, unclefted chin or a pair of eyes that don't sparkle in a winsome, carefree manner.

You must also promise that you will please feed the guards three square meals per day. Don't make them just stand there protecting the vault in all that Kevlar on an empty stomach. Also, give them some snacks throughout the day, like granola bars or a handful of grapes.

Now, at this point you are probably really curious about the answer to the question. You might be also wondering what the question is, as I have not yet told you. Don't worry! I'll definitely tell you both things very soon. I just need to make sure you understand your post-answered-question duties 100 percent. Just because you are nice does not mean you are necessarily responsible, and I need to make sure you are both before we take the exciting step forward as friends who tell each other things, like the answers to questions that one of us is asked frequently.

Yes, I consider you a friend. So, you'd better email me what you want to do for your birthday, or I'll just mess it up.

Now, are you ready to hear the question? The question that I am asked very frequently but have refused to answer up until this point? Good. Here goes.

How's it going?

No, I'm not asking you. That's the question I am asked frequently.

Now, it might seem like this question is one that many people are asked frequently, and it is. But when it is asked of me particularly, the person doing the asking is definitely relating it back to the aforementioned incident. Rather than placing the emphasis on "going," the asker is placing the emphasis on "it," which would imply that the important part of the question is the "it." Which, as with all pronouns, is just one giant mystery if you take "it" out of context. 

Furthermore, if the person doing the asking is wearing an eye patch at the time, that just deepens the mystery. Because how did he lose that eye and does it have anything at all to do with an incident that resulted in a question I am frequently asked? (The question "How's it going?" with the emphasis placed on "it," to refresh your memory.)

Yes. The incident in question did lead to someone losing an eye. But I'm not to blame, despite what anyone wearing an eye patch implies. I was simply in the room at the time. And, yes, I was holding a slingshot. But I am always very careful to point it away from eyes and other important body parts. Unless the body parts belong to the person who was responsible for putting someone's eye out through acts of villainy and a complete and utter disregard for safety. Even then, I am sure to never cause any permanent damage, as I am just an innocent bystander and not a villain.

But back to the answer to the question "How's IT going?" I still haven't told you the answer, even though you have pinkie sworn to guard my secrets with your life and some extremely handsome armed guards. After all of that and taking our sacred vow of friendship forever, I feel I owe you the courtesy of telling you the answer. Here's the answer:

Fine, fine. It's going fine.

Of course, taken out of context, you cannot see the fact that as I give you the answer to this question I am winking frantically, hoping that you will understand that the emphasis should be placed on the "going" in my response. Be sure you write down on the piece of paper that I am winking frantically, and be sure to underline "going" many times so that anyone who reads the paper in the future will know about the emphasis part. 

Now you know the answer to the question that I am asked frequently. And perhaps you are befuddled by the mystery surrounding the question and its answer and varying levels of emphasis placed on certain words in both of them. Maybe you have additional questions involving an incident involving a slingshot, a villain, and a man losing an eye. But if I tell you too much, it will certainly put your life in danger. So, for now, write my response down on a piece of paper, put it in that wooden box that you hand carved, lock the box, begin interviewing extremely handsome armed guards, and DON'T WHISPER A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE. If anyone finds out that I am providing answers to questions that I am frequently asked, I shall never have a moment’s peace again and we’ll never get your birthday party planned.


Gehry said...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...