Monday, August 19, 2013

Some Updates (but Not Really) on My OKCupid Account

Say goodbye to my unibrow, Michael. It's the last time you're going to see it.

Well, you guys, it's been real. Real what? REAL AWESOME.

You know the story. Girl breaks up with guy. Girl gets on the internet looking for a new guy. Girl gets burned out and hateful after 10 minutes. Girl decides to put on makeup and wigs and dick with dumb people. Girl meets someone awesome and is happy but also like, "BOO!" because what is she going to do with her time now? Girl insists you stop calling her "girl" because she's 34 years old, thankyouverymuch.

But I don't want to leave you feeling sad about my abrupt departure from OKCupid. That's why I'm giving you a little something I've been saving for a while. One time I had a had a conversation with a weirdo on OKCupid IM. I was going to post it ages ago, but I kept going back and forth like, "Is this even appropriate?" It's not. And I decided I don't care. Just read it. Here it is.

The Time I Trolled for Weirdos on OKCupid

Dude: hey
Me: Hey yourself.
Dude: hey what u doin
Me: Oh, you know. Typical Tuesday night things.
Dude: i am [Dude]
Me: Bethany
Dude: hi bethany u r so clever lol
Dude: did u go out
Me: Did I go out tonight? Nope. I've been trying to get some writing done tonight.
Dude: oh cool i love a writer
Dude: it is sexy
Dude: can i ask u a forward question?
Me: Sure.
Dude: what r u wearing?
Me: It's not anything that's going to appeal to your sensual side, I can assure you.
Dude: u r 36d?
Dude: i like my big breasts. god.
Me: Well, you must be psychic.
Dude: since i was right u will have to let me massage them
Dude: i have good oil
Me: I've never met you. For all I know you could have hooks for hands. I can't make any promises unless you can assure me that your hands are not hooks.
Dude: my hands r soft and loving
Dude: they will take good care of you
Dude: when u r ready
Dude: sounds good?
Me: I don't know. I still have no photographic proof that you don't have hook hands. People lie on the internet all the time.
Dude: i am a lawyer not a liar
Me: You could be typing that with hook hands right now.
Dude: no i want to massage your big tits with my pretty hands
Me: Okay, I guess. But if I find out you have hook hands or even a peg leg, I'm going to be pissed.
Dude: ok. tell me to massage your big breasts
Me: Please use your hook hands to massage my breasts now.
Dude: oh yes. tell me to pour oil on them. do u have big nipples?
Me: I don't know. What do you consider big?
Dude: do they stand up when aroused
Me: Definitely not. The Bible forbids that.
Dude: ok. what r u wearing now
Me: A suit of armor.
Dude: haha do u wantme to massage your naked body when we r together?
Me: Not until I've established that you don't have hook hands.

So, maybe in the past, you’ve spent time in a relationship where you were always the one who had to initiate sex. And sometimes even after you did, the smallest interruption would unnerve your partner so much, he or she could not get in the mood again for the next six weeks. And you would spend your nights sweaty and anxious and wondering if perhaps you could use being celibate for the greater good and achieve some kind of spiritual enlightenment.

This is the happy alternative. Perverts on the internet will never turn you down. 

If you want to go back and peruse the old OKCupid stuff, I'm putting the links here. 

And, in conclusion, here's a jam all about saying goodbye.


DaveH said...

"i am a lawyer not a liar," says the alliterative comedian.

Bringle said...

I am SO happy for you, but at the same time, I am going to miss you dicking around with these people SO much. Maybe one day, just for funsies, you can do a reunion tour. Because IMs like this are comedy gold.