|I am completely overwhelmed right now, you guys. And topless.|
Thirty-four years ago today, I was born. AND YOU'D BETTER NOT FORGET IT. As you are 100 percent aware, birthdays are the one day out of the year when you get to say or do anything you want and you cannot be criticized or prosecuted. Everyone is required to write nice things about you on Facebook and pretend they forgot about how you killed that guy that time and framed them for the crime. It also means I get to make some big time demands, and everyone has to adhere to them or suffer the consequences.
Are you ready for my demands??? GET OUT A PEN AND A PIECE OF PAPER AND GET READY BECAUSE HERE THEY COME.
1. First demand! Cheese! I want to eat cheese on everything. Get me some cheese and a grater immediately. But if you even hint at showing up with American cheese slices, I'll grate you instead and feed you to the pelicans!
2. Second demand! I want for everyone to think I'm cool. But that kind of effortless cool you can only be if you are Johnny Depp or a 20-something lesbian with an asymmetric haircut.
3. Third demand! I want peaches to be ripe and in season year round. I don't care what you have to do or how many Earth's orbits you have to destroy, I want it, and I want it now!
4. Fourth demand! A portal gun!
5. Fifth demand! Time travel!
6. Sixth demand! A sidekick! Someone to show up at my house and be like, "We have to go on a hijinks-filled roadtrip immediately," but always understanding that he or she is the sidekick and I'm the awesome one.
7. Seventh demand! Candy!
8. Eighth demand! For people to never use the adjective "smokin'" to describe another person ever again. Unless the person is on fire and is, in fact, smoking, in which case, DON'T JUST STAND THERE. DO SOMETHING.
9. Ninth demand! Money! But not too much because lots of money just leads people to turning up dead in swimming pools.
10. Tenth demand! Kittens!
11. Eleventh demand! Puppies!
12. Twelth demand! Baby elephants wearing little bonnets!
13. Thirteenth demand! A whale who wants to be best friends with me! A blue whale or a humpback. Right whales are stupid, and don't even get me started on sperm whales. JUST KIDDING. ANY WHALE WILL DO.
14. Fourteenth demand! Boyfriends for everybody!
15. Fifteenth demand! For you to quit complaining about the new boyfriend I just gave you!
16. Sixteenth demand! Cake!
17. Seventeenth demand! Pie!
18. Eighteenth demand! Cakepie! And unity in the dessert community.
19. Nineteenth demand! Extra demands for tomorrow!
20. Twentieth demand! For you to stop reading this list and get on these demands ASAP.