Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Normal Human Woman Shows Off Weight Gain in Sweatpants

Normal human woman Sandra Johnson, who recently gained about 20 pounds, is showing off her weight gain by wearing sweatpants for this amazing publication that deserves, like, a million gold stars. Congratulations to a terrific reporter for uncovering this story. Hint: It was me. You're welcome.

"Is she preparing for a role or something?" said all of the Internet commenters. "Why would a normal human person just gain weight like that? It makes me feel weird and confused and like maybe I should set myself on fire."

When asked about her secret to weight gain, Johnson said, "I just eat normal human food every day. Sometimes I exercise. Sometimes I don't." Then, she gave me kind of a weird look and got off the elevator even though we weren't at her floor yet.

Unsurprisingly, pop star and fitness enthusiast Madonna could not be reached for a response, but if she had, she probably would have said something like, "I don't understand what those words mean when you put them together like that. I'm frightened, and I want you to go away."

"Oh my god! It's like she recently had a baby, but didn't," said one local ringwraith, astounded at the very idea that a normal human woman would even go outside in that condition.

"Look at how her skin is on her arms like it belongs there or something?" said a very startled fashion designer.

Weight gain, which is a perfectly natural human response to stress, depression, lack of activity, and burritos, startles about 11 trillion people each year. Many resort to wearing sweatpants, T-shirts, jean shorts, or even bikinis because they just don't care and wish you would shut up about it.

No comments: