Friday, July 19, 2013

A Scientifically Inaccurate Account of Some People Vacationing on the Sun

Get on my face, Earthlings.

Hey, hot people. And by "hot" I'm not referring to you being physically attractive. I'm actually referencing how warm it is outside and how you're probably lying on your couch right now looking a lot like a big old pile of warm bread dough with sweat glands. Or in an office chair looking a lot like a big old pile of warm bread dough with sweat glands that somebody propped up in an office chair.

On a day like today, a lot of blog people would post a story about snow to make you feel cooler. They would talk about ice cubes and winter and Mr. Freeze terrorizing Gotham City. BUT NOT ME! No, sir! I wrote you story to remind you that you could always be hotter right now. It's called...

A Scientifically Inaccurate Account of Some People Vacationing on the Sun

It was July on Earth, but that didn't matter because the people in this story were not on Earth at the time. They were on the face of the sun.

Because in the year 2033, the hard core people from Earth who were totally bored with base jumping and sticking lit firecrackers up their butts and filming it for YouTube were like, "Oh my god, what else can we possibly do to be more hard core and awesome???" And that was when a guy was like, "I have an idea! Let's go to space and do super cool stuff up there." So, it became a thing to build personal rockets and go to space. And when that became not quite hard core enough, some other guy suggested, "Hey, hard core people! Earth is boring! Who wants to go to the sun with me and totally vacation there?" And, like, six super hard core people were like, "YEAH, BRO!"

So, they packed up their coolers and headed out to the surface of the sun. And because I want to build some suspense early on in the story, I will add, "AND THEY WERE MAYBE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN." Just to let you know that this vacation to the sun quite possibly did not have a happy ending.

Now, I don't know much about science, but I can imagine that a vacation on the sun would be pretty warm. Even warmer than a vacation in the Sahara Desert back on Earth. I bet that if you took your favorite plastic folding chair with you, it would probably melt in under an hour or so, giving you only a short period of time to really enjoy yourself and kick back. Your beer would definitely get warm for sure, and that's no fun.

The guys who went to the sun for a vacation didn't know much about science either, but they were determined, and as you know, determination is far more powerful than science. If you don't believe me, just ask this guy who totally agrees with me. I don't know much about facial expressions, but his definitely indicates that he thinks I'm the smartest person ever.

She is seriously the super smartest, you guys. 

Anyhoo, so these guys were determined to vacation on the surface of the sun, so they got there and nothing bad happened along the way.

The surface of the sun was actually pretty cool. And when I say "cool," I am not referring to the temperature of the sun's surface, but the fact that it was pretty neato, if you are into that type of thing.

The guys walked around a bit. They looked at stuff. They took pictures and put them up on the 2033 version of Instagram for their friends back on Earth to admire. Everyone on Earth was totally impressed and indicated their impressed feelings by using the Like button on the 2033 version of Facebook a lot. And maybe at some point the sun visitors' cameras melted. Again, I don't know about melting temperatures on the surface of the sun, but I would imagine that camera melting would happen eventually.

"Whoa, my camera melted, man," said one of the space travelers.

"Mine too, man!" said another.

"This is getting kinda lame, you guys. Let's go back to Earth," said a third traveler. "There aren't even any luxury hotels up here!"

But when they went over to their rocket, it was all melted too, just like the cameras.

"Did you guys bring any extra rockets or rocket-building materials?" said one of the now-stranded sun visitors.

None of them had. It was vacation after all. Who brings anything to that but swimwear and a camera? Earth was at least two Earth days travel away, or so I would assume in my limited knowledge of science, so it's not like they could just call someone for a ride.

Now, brace yourself because things are about to get even sweatier.

What do you do when you're stranded on the surface of the sun, you're out of water, your camera has melted, and you're just plain bored with things? Well, you do what these guys did, which was to hug it out. And so they did. And then they died after deciding that sun vacations were not a cool idea. Either literally or figuratively.

The moral of the story is to try to curb your hard core-ness. Just hang out on Earth, stay hydrated, use a high SPF sunblock, and sleep in your bathtub if you don't have air conditioning. And learn science before it's too late.


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