|Step 1: Measure the FUCK out of your waist.|
Hey, everybody! I'm doing this new thing where I send my short pieces off to other publications, wait patiently for them to be rejected, and then post them on Welcome to Bethville afterward. As I did with this one! If you perhaps wanted to help me stick it to the rejection man, maybe share this piece or retweet it or tie it to the leg of a migrating bird? If you do, I'll tell everyone how handsome and/or otherwise sexually desirable I find you. And I'll also definitely share something of yours you'd like to see go out to a wider audience.
Bethany, the Mayor of Bethville
And now here's the actual piece I wrote:
I Lost 25 Pounds of Belly Fat in a Month Using One Simple Trick. Ask Me How.
“I lost 25 pounds of belly fat in a month using one simple trick,” said the pop-up ad. And I was compelled to click it.
The ad really couldn’t have come at a better time. For I had belly fat. Gobs of it. And until that moment, I had no idea that there was a cure for the horrible disfigurement that had made me a shut-in for the past 20 years.
I read the ad again, hardly able to believe that I was reading such miraculousness. Before my very eyes, the plump animated woman in the ad shrank from a size 16 to a size 6. Suddenly, she was no longer an angry algebra teacher with cankles. She was a warrior princess. She was a supermodel. She was a junior level executive at a very lucrative advertising agency. The possibilities were endless, now that she was rid of her unsightly belly fat. The world was her oyster. Her low-calorie, low-fat, high protein oyster.
“This changes everything,” I muttered, putting down my deep fried frosting on a stick. “Tell me your dieting secrets, internet.”
I clicked the ad.
And with that simple click, my life was changed forever.
But before I tell you the secret of how I lost 25 pounds of belly fat using one simple trick, let’s back up a bit.
I first encountered belly fat during the Belly Fat Outbreak of 1989. It was a year filled with George H.W. Bush, “Like a Prayer,” and the Exxon Valdez. Everyone was like, “Drink Coke and eat Pop Tarts!” and I did. Before I knew it, I was one chunky thigh-deep in belly fat. I could tell my parents were ashamed of me because they began telling relatives that I had died.
“What is this world coming to?” my dad would ask, catching a glimpse of me as I walked by in my bathing suit and quickly shielding his eyes.
I was eventually sent away to a special school for girls, so that my family wouldn’t have to be exposed to my shame and horrible, horrible belly fat. There, I met other girls with similar afflictions. We all became reluctant friends and even gave each other nicknames. There was Fat Chin, No Neck, Floppy Tits, and Cheese Thighs. During swim time each morning, we would don our oversized T-shirts and waterproof balaclavas and hop into the pool for our daily water torture. A night, we would sit in a circle around the communal toaster and tell stories of our past lives. The lives we had before. Before the fat came.
In college, I double majored in Working from Home and Single-Serve Cheesecake Eating. After graduation, my studies put me in a top position for working at home at a job doing single-serve cheesecake eating. I found an apartment that, like me, was pretty in the face but virtually unlovable because of the size of its sunken living room. I moved in, set up a desk in the corner, and stayed there. Before I knew it, twenty years had gone by.
You might think that sounds like a very lonely life, but it was not without love. One time, I tore the newspaper off my windows to let in some sun and definitely had a moment with the window washer outside. We made awkward eye contact while he squeegeed.
But just like that, he was gone.
He caught sight of my belly fat and jumped fifteen stories to his death. I quelled the pain of my broken heart with cubes of butter poked on toothpicks like party appetizers. As for friends, they came and went like so many Meals on Wheels delivery volunteers and cable television installers. But no one was able to see past my affliction to the heart that beat beneath all that belly fat.
And then that fateful day arrived and that fateful pop-up ad. It had never before occurred to me to just put down the pork fritters and check the internet for ways to get rid of my belly fat. I never suspected that one day I would just be watching cat videos and crying, and the answer would just pop up and suddenly be staring me right in the face. I could lose that belly fat, and in only a month’s time, to boot!
With trembling fingers, I clicked the ad.
So, do you want to know what it is? The secret to losing 25 pounds of belly fat using one simple trick?
Click on the flashing psychedelic avocado below to find out!