Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Post About a Word That I Hate That Starts with N

Don't say horrible words, ya'll.

Once upon a time, there was a word. It wasn't a swear. It was worse than a swear. It was a horrible, horrible word that should be thrown into the bottom of a well, covered with wet cement, and then blown up with dynamite.

But people said the word anyway. And other people said, "Hey, don't judge those people who said that word. Free speech and blarglety-blarg! First Amendment!"

Even more people than that said, "My daddy said that word! He's from the South, and in the South that's okay because he's old. And also I'm too scared to tell him he's being a bigot and jerkhead because he might get mad at me and take away my allowance."

Some people beyond that said, "Hey, those hip-hop people say that word! If they say it, I can say it. I don't know what a hip-hop is, but I intend to find out, once I get home from work tonight."

And so the word lived on. Some people said it in public. Some people said it in private. Other people didn't say it at all and congratulated themselves on that fact every single day over a beer and a joke involving Chinese people being good at math.

There were people who seemed outwardly lovely and nice--an old lady at church, the mail carrier, a man at the mall dressed as Santa Claus. You might be talking to them about something pleasant, like snow cones or newborn kittens, and assuming that the person was as equally pleasant as the topic at hand. But then suddenly that person would utter the dreaded word, and you would be all, "What happened to the nice person who was just here? I can't see her or him over the cross that's burning on my front lawn."

Luckily, help was on the way in the form of the Racism Fighting Super Best Friends Brad Paisley and His Separate But Equal Sidekick LL Cool J.

"Oh em gee," said super best friend Brad Paisley, as he stood in the kitchen of the Racism Fighting Lair one morning watching the news. "Word has it that Paula Deen said the word. You know what word I'm talking about, don't you, LL Cool J?"

"What word?" queried LL Cool J.

"Well, don't make me say it," said Brad Paisley, awkwardly.

Several minutes later, after the two friends played a very non-racist game of charades, LL Cool J got the gist, and the Racism Fighting Super Best Friends hopped into their ride that was a pickup truck with spinning rims to get to the scene of the racism and put an instant stop to it.

"Thank goodness you're here, Racism Fighting Super Best Friends," said Matt Lauer, host of The Today Show. "Someone has to put a stop to Paula Deen's word saying once and for all. I tried, and I definitely can't fix it. I'm too weak, and people kind of think I'm a dick right now."

"Point us to where she is!" said LL Cool J, "and I will show her the error of her ways with this song Brad and I wrote this one time."

"Good plan, super chum!" said Brad Paisley.

The two got Karaoke machine out of the cab of their super racism fighting vehicle and rushed over to Paula Deen, who was sitting in the green room at the Today Show, drying her eyes with a large mascara-smeared piece of bread and butter.

"Brad Paisley and LL Cool J! What are you doing here?" Paula Deen asked.

"We're here to teach you the error of your ways through song," said Brad Paisley.

And, together, the two racism-fighting recording artists and best friends sang a song. And the song was so beautiful and so pure, that Brad Paisley and LL Cool J were just sure it had cured Paula Deen's racist word saying forever.

But Paula Deen could only look at them when the song was over and publicly apologize harder and with more theatrics than ever before.

"Damn! It didn't work!" said Brad Paisley. "She's as racist as ever."

"Well, maybe," said LL Cool J, emulating all the wise black men he had seen in TV shows and in the movies, "we aren't doing things the right way."

The two pondered the situation for at least ten minutes, and at the end of ten minutes, they had solved racism and racist word-saying forever.

Here's how it worked:

1. People started saying to older relatives, "Hey, don't say that word or similarly offensive words. I don't care if you are old and from the South. You're being a racist piece of shit right now." And when the old people argued, they were put in retirement communities where they could never offend anyone, except people who worked in the medical community, again.

2. LL Cool J and Brad Paisley did a Schoolhouse Rock type of music video that explained that the First Amendment not only allows you to say what you want, but also allows people to disagree with you, even if that hurts your feelings or makes you feel stupid. Suddenly, people understood how stupid and misinformed they were being.

3. LL Cool J went on TV and explained hip-hop to all the dumb people. Toby Keith made a special appearance and repeated everything he said so that it really sank in for the people who were extra confused.

4. Everybody learned about kindness and understanding and hugged it out, including Matt Lauer and Ann Curry (Willard Scott and Bryant Gumbel too).

5. People who refused to listen and educate themselves or stop being racist were shot into space and went into orbit around Jupiter. They took all the Confederate flags with them and probably shoved them up their asses for all I know.


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