Friday, May 31, 2013

The Adventures of Surrogate Kitty


What? It wasn't me who sat on this dill plant with my big butt.



















Once upon a time, Bethany took her cat to the vet. "We'll need to keep her overnight and possibly longer," the vet said. Bethany went home. Her apartment was very, very empty. There was no one to shout at for eating the houseplants. No one stared at her creepily from the top of the couch or tried to eat a weird bug she found on the floor. And not one creature attempted to get onto her lap, forcing her to move her laptop elsewhere, and then changed its mind and wanted to sit in the laptop's new location.

Bethany was sad. 

As she was on her way out the door to get a coffee the next morning, she turned back to say, "Now, be good," like she always did, and found herself saying it to a very empty, fur-covered couch cushion. 

That was when she went into her bedroom and got Fat Cat. 

Fat Cat was a stuffed cat who normally lived in a box under Bethany's bed. 

"This is me hitting rock bottom. I'm Norman Bates now," Bethany said. And she put Fat Cat on the back of the couch and positioned so that its empty, staring eyes would be staring right at her. 

Fat Cat ended up being a very good surrogate kitty. 

"Stay out of that cabinet!" Bethany shouted, in a manner that revealed her to be clearly deranged like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female

Fat Cat did not even attempt to climb into the cabinet.

"Do not throw up on the bathmat!" Bethany called, definitely resembling Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

Fat Cat did not throw up on the bathmat. He didn't even look at it.

"Can you not sit down in the middle of the book I'm reading?" Bethany questioned, rocking back and forth in her chair, feral and inventing a secret twin language like Jodie Foster in Nell.

If Fat Cat were a living being, he would have been totally offended that Bethany would suggest that he would even consider putting his butt near her book, much less on it. 

Fat Cat didn't wake Bethany up at 4 AM to be petted.

He didn't hide under the coffee table and try to bite her ankles when she walked by. 

He didn't try to jump on top of the flat screen television, nearly knocking it to the floor. 

Nor did he try to rub his dirty butt on the bedspread, kill a mouse and leave it in the middle of the bathroom floor, or attempt to eat any embroidery floss. 

Fat Cat was a very good kitty.

Bethany went about her daily routine, and she felt quite stress free, like Rebecca De Mornay in the earlier parts of the movie, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

But when it came time to change the sheets on her bed, and Fat Cat didn't even attempt to flop down in the middle of the bottom sheet, forcing the bed to be made right over the top of him, Bethany felt a little sad, clearly resembling Whoopi Goldberg running toward her long-lost sister at the end of The Color Purple.

Bethany felt a little more sad later on--like Bette Midler in Beaches looking over at her dying best friend Hillary from their side-by-side beach chairs--when she reached back into the pants shelf of her closet and not one pair of pants bit her.

But saddest of all, on a level of Sally Field in Steel Magnolias finally realizing that her hair does look like a brown football helmet, Bethany had no one to sit and stare at her while she ate any of her meals. She didn't have to say, "Will you stop? You can't have any of this. You're not people," even once while she feasted on her gluten free pancakes. 

So, while surrogate kitty was a very good kitty, he was not Bethany's real kitty. He just sat there and stared, not moving, like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It got boring around the apartment very quickly. 

Eventually, Bethany turned Fat Cat so that he was facing the wall and not staring at her with his beady eyes and got up to sweep around the litter box. She cleaned out her real cat's food dish and washed all the laundry in the apartment that was covered with black fur. It was a cleanup worthy of Natalie Portman stuffing Mila Kunis into a closet in Black Swan.

Because of this, Bethany felt better and somewhat recovered from her crazy feelings, like Linda Hamilton at the end of Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

Best friends, like Kevin Costner and Two Socks in Dances with Wolves.

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