Tuesday, May 7, 2013

How to Clean Your Apartment

It was that bad.

If there is one thing I'm known for among my friends, enemies, and people I stalk, it is my cleanliness standards. You could eat a sandwich off my living room floor. If you were interested in doing such a thing and not really bothered by bits of kitty litter, dustballs, and stray toenail clippings mashed into the bread. (Please don't eat things you found on my floor. You don't know where they've been. It's likely they've touched my cat's asshole.)

Therefore, I feel that it is time to share my cleaning secrets. It is, after all, spring, and spring is the time of year when many people throw open the windows of their apartments, let in the fresh springtime air, and do a big time spring cleaning. Just like I did this past Sunday. I was at it all day, and the result was a fresh-smelling, dust free, sparkling apartment. So, with no further ado or mention of eating sandwiches off my floor, here are my cleaning tips.

1. Get out of bed and immediately put on your shoes for your long walk to the bathroom through what I like to call "The Cat Vomit Zone." No, socks or slippers won't work here. They have to be shoes with a slip-free sole.

2. Once you've left "The Cat Vomit Zone," look around at your bathroom and say to yourself, "Jesus, it's like Grey Gardens in here. Let's clean this shit up." Look at yourself in the mirror and mutter, "What have I done with my life?" for as long as it is necessary to convince yourself that cleaning is the right course of action, as opposed to, say, an all-day Tomb Raider playing extravaganza.

3. Mentally go through your schedule and try to decide if you have the twelve hours required to do a thorough cleaning. If you think to yourself, "Well, I do have plans at 8 PM, but I'll be done by then, surely," then your head is not in the game. Maybe put off cleaning until tomorrow or next weekend instead.

4. Check your energy levels. How do you feel? Do you need a second or even a third cup of coffee before you can begin? The accidental afternoon nap on your couch or extended 6-hour break from cleaning is not going to help you achieve your goal for the day.

5. Consider your supplies. Do you have enough paper towels, sponges, and Scrubbing Bubbles? If not, time to plan a fast trip to the store. While you are there, it is a great time to pick up snacks and beverages. Cleaning day should be treated like a party day, so you can trick yourself into thinking you're having fun. If you drink, I recommend picking up an entire six-pack. But limit yourself to drinking only three beers or two vodka tonics. Otherwise, you will have to return to step 4. 

6. Get back to your apartment and put down your bags of cleaning supplies. Be sure to give yourself a 20-minute recovery time. Carrying bags up those stairs is hard work.

7. Plan your cutest cleaning outfit. This is important in case you have to run out for extra snacks or the mailman stops by. Bandanas to hold back your hair in an adorable manner are a must. If you don't have a bandana, you should make one. Sweatpants or old yoga pants are absolutely your friend and should not be neglected for something that does not allow for ultimate flexibility, like an old, torn pair of jeans. It can be easy to fall into the jeans trap, but just don't do it. Jeans can and will weigh you down.

8. Check out your outfit in the mirror. Do you look cute yet? If not, put on some rubber gloves. Now, you are at your cutest and can begin.

9. Clean your apartment.

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