|LOOK AT THEM. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.|
Do you ever walk into your bathroom, look around, and think to yourself, "This room is missing something?"
Something of the decorative variety?
Something shiny but still subdued? Something small in size but big in ambiance?
Maybe what you need is...some flattened marbles.
I know what you're thinking. "But, Bethany, I'm not the flattened marbles type! I would never dream of putting a large bag of flattened marbles into a vase and setting it on top of my toilet tank for others to gaze at in wonder." But trust me when I say that anyone can be the flattened marbles type. It's easy!
Step 1: Decide you're going to buy some flattened marbles.
Step 2: Go to a store that sells flattened marbles.
Step 3: Find the flattened marbles aisle. If you can't find it, ask an associate for help. If the associate doesn't know where the flattened marbles are, just walk up and down the aisles until you find flattened marbles.
Step 4: Pick up some flattened marbles. They might come in a bag. They might come in a box. Either way, they will be flat and they will be marbles. Be sure to choose your flattened marbles in a color that matches your bathroom decor!
Step 5: Purchase the flattened marbles using money that you'll find in your wallet.
Step 6: Take your flattened marbles home and put them in something like a jar or a vase or any other see-through receptacle that is not filled with something else at the time.
Step 7: Put it on the back of your toilet!
Step 8: Look at those shiny and beautiful flattened marbles.
Now, I know you have questions, and I am prepared to answer all of them.
What makes flattened marbles so special?
I'm so glad you asked. They are marbles, but flat. Like God himself stepped on them with his huge, blessed, marble-flattening feet.
Will these marbles roll away?
NO. They're flattened, and physics doesn't work that way.
If I put flattened marbles next to a dish of potpourri, is that okay?
Yes. Just know that the overpowering floral fragrance of your potpourri will make your flattened marbles less special.
What do I do if someone asks me if they should invest in some flattened marbles?
Tell them yes, absolutely, and then offer to drive them to the flattened marbles store.
Are the flattened marbles on the back of my toilet watching me poop?
No, flattened marbles don't have eyes or cerebral cortexes. They are marbles.
Are flattened marbles safe for human consumption?
Absolutely not. Don't eat flattened marbles or look at them for an extended period of time or you'll get a big, red ring on your butt from sitting on the toilet too long.
Can I make my own flattened marbles with regular marbles and a heavy encyclopedia?
Not unless the encyclopedia is heated to marble melting temperatures beforehand and made of something flame retardant.
Should I trust flattened marbles to do my taxes?
No. Flattened marbles do not have a degree in accounting.
Is flattened marbles single? And, if so, is he interested in marriage?
Flattened marbles are inanimate objects and therefore cannot engage in a matrimonial ceremony and lifelong partnership with you. But if they could, you would be very happy for the rest of your life.
Why don't I have some flattened marbles in my hand right this second?
Because you're sitting here reading this instead of going out and buying some flattened marbles.