Tuesday, May 21, 2013

An Elaborate and Unnecessary Apology to Megan, Whose Drink I Stole at Starbucks

"Indeed," Bethany said, while twirling her mustache around her finger.

If your name is Megan and you ordered a drink at Starbucks this morning and then went to the counter to wait for your drink, only to discover that someone had stolen it, this blog post is for you.

I'm sorry.

It was me. I took your venti iced coffee with the name "Megan" written on the side. I did not notice that the drink said "Megan" and not "Bethany" until I got to the office. I even put unsweetened almond milk in it, which is a thing I'm sure you would never do.

Here is my elaborate apology. I hope you enjoy it while sipping slightly inferior coffee from a cup that clearly says "Bethany" and not "Megan."

An Elaborate and Unnecessary Apology to Megan, Whose Drink I Stole at Starbucks

Once upon a time, a beautiful person named Megan went to Starbucks and ordered a venti iced coffee. She paid for it with her hard-earned money and then walked over to the counter to patiently wait for her beverage.

But unbeknownst to Megan, her drink would never arrive. For it had been stolen several minutes before.

Stolen by whom?

By Bethany.

Bethany was a horrible, horrible villain with a heart so dark it was made of licorice-flavored jelly beans and that tar stuff they use to fill potholes. People often crossed the street when they saw her coming because they were so afraid that she would run over and take their drinks without asking and then scamper away, giggling gleefully. As a result of her cruel caffeinated drink-taking, Bethany was hyper pretty much all the time.

Here are some other things you should know about Bethany.

1. She has been fired from babysitting not once but three times, and she thinks that's really funny because why would ANYONE put her in charge of child care? She openly admits to thinking that 99.9999999 percent of the world's children are total buttholes.

2. She did not post anything about the tragedy in Oklahoma on her Facebook today.

3. She warms up fish in the office microwave.

4. If she goes on a date with a guy and he sucks, she will not bother to "let him down easy." She just won't call him back ever again.

5. She threw out some batteries recently because she was too lazy to take them to the battery recycling center.

6. She thinks that your favorite movie from childhood, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, is the worst thing that has ever slithered past her eyelids and into her brain.

7. She laughed when Bambi's mom died.

8. One time someone invited her to a super fun birthday party, and Bethany was all, "Nah," and stayed home and played video games instead.

Now that you know what a horrible person Bethany is, you can fully understand why she would take someone else's coffee. She was very dastardly indeed, and that is why everyone in the whole world hated her.

Luckily, many years after the events in this story unfolded, Bethany died, and her reign of terror came to an end. I hope that this news eases your suffering, Megan.

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