Just like she will do when she reads the above sentence.
So, it's Mother's Day, right? And I thought I should write something about my mom that is 100 percent true and in extremely good taste. Here goes.
A 100 Percent True Thing I Wrote About My Mom
The most important thing to know about my mom is that she is extremely vengeful. It's very important that you don't forget that as I tell you this story.
Hey, remember that time one sentence ago when I said not to forget that my mom is vengeful? DON'T FORGET IT.
I believe it was that very vengeance that led her to take my Miss Piggy doll and sell her at that garage sale that time against my wishes.
"Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Vengeance is mine!" is what I'm pretty sure she said at the time, while I cried and cried.
But why would a mother do such a thing? Why take revenge on a small, innocent, and adorable child who never did a thing wrong in her whole lifetime? I'm glad you asked.
BECAUSE OF THE SPINACH SOUFFLÉ INCIDENT. THAT'S WHY.
"What spinach soufflé incident?" you might be asking, if your curiosity is piqued and you're still awake.
Well, let me tell you about it.
My mom made dinner one time, and the dinner was called SPINACH SOUFFLÉ. It was eggs, spinach, cheese of some sort, and dragon vomit. At least we're pretty sure that's what was in it because it was the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth, and I've put yams in my mouth, so you know it's gotta be pretty bad. Bad enough to probably die from.
We were all like, "What is this?"
Mom said, "It's spinach soufflé, and you're going to eat it."
"What's in it?" we asked.
"I'll never tell you," she said, "but definitely poison and some other things."
"You're the meanest mom!" we cried.
She said nothing in response, but she didn't need to because red hot laser beams shot from her eyes and melted my brother.
"You'd better eat your dinner," our dad said. He was pretty scared too. I could tell because he began to force feed himself several bites of spinach soufflé while crying silent tears.
I put a bite of the spinach soufflé in my mouth and then gagged and gagged and tried to put myself up for adoption.
What was left of my siblings did the same.
"You will all clean your plates," Mom said. "And when I say 'clean your plates' I'm referring to you eating all of that spinach soufflé, but afterward you will all literally be cleaning your plates because it will be time to wash all of the dishes and all of our neighbors' dishes as well while your father and I go watch Night Court."
We ate and ate as hard as we could, but our plates were still completely covered with spinach soufflé after thirty seconds.
I tried to feed some to our dog without anyone noticing, but the taste was so horrible, he immediately ran away to find a new family.
"Now you've done it," Mom said. "I'm extra mad now. You know what that means?"
We all screamed.
"That's right," Mom continued. "This means....DESSERT."
And suddenly Mom swooped down like an evil bat and gave us each a scoop of ice cream. But while you're thinking that sounds very nice and non-vengeful of her, just know that it was SPINACH SOUFFLÉ ICE CREAM that she had prepared in advance.
It was at this point that, exhausted and hungry from being totally mean and vengeful, Mom finally picked up a fork and stabbed her own piece of spinach soufflé.
I think it was at that point that she realized that the spinach soufflé really was terrible. Because twenty minutes later, I saw her feeding the rest of it to the chickens and frowning very vengefully. I told everyone, and it was because of that terrible error in judgment, I was later separated permanently from Miss Piggy.
That's the end of the dark, terrible, and 100 percent true story about my mom. Whatever you do, don't tell her you read it because she'll just deny the whole thing.