Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I'm Just Not That Into You: A Very Specific Self-Help Book

I'm into you though, Darill.


Hey, guy. So, you had one date with me specifically, and things seemed to go great. Right? But then you called and I never called you back, and you began to wonder, "What's going on here? I thought she liked me."

Well, have you considered that maybe I'm just not that into you?

Don't feel bad. It happens to the best of us, specifically you, as you are the only person this applies to. But I'm really glad you picked this book up from your local bookstore, where I left it filed under "Self-Help for James, the Guy I Went Out With Three Nights Ago." I know that you will appreciate how I wrote it all down for you on loose leaf notebook paper and decorated the cover with scented markers. I even dedicated it to you if you'll flip back to the second page and take a look. It says, "To James, who ate all the chips and salsa while I was in the bathroom and then lied and said the waiter took them away."

Just so you know, all proceeds from the sale of this book will be going to the "I'm Just Not That Into You Fund to Help Rehabilitate James, Who I'm Maybe Just Not That Into." So, the money is going to a great cause. I'll just be taking a small percentage to help pay for those markers.

I know that as you continue to read the material in the following pages, you will come to further understand how likely it is that I'm just not that into you. Let's talk about how to determine if someone, me specifically, is just not that into you.

So, you saw me at Starbucks, and I avoided your eye contact and then walked out briskly without ordering anything. Perhaps it wasn't because I suddenly looked at my watch and remembered a thing I had to do, which was maybe what I was trying to convey with my exasperated expression and swift departure. It was likely because I'm just not that into you and wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Lesson learned! Time to move on. There are other fish in the ocean.

So, you've left a few voicemails in this weird accent that you think sounds like the waiter at Pepe's where you ate that super oniony burrito. I haven't called you back! What gives? It's pretty likely I'm not going to call you back because it's possible I'm just not that into you.

So, you sent me a Facebook friend request, and I haven't approved it yet and you're starting to wonder if I even saw it. And now you're debating sending me a light-hearted email to be like, "Hey! Let's be friends on Facebook, so I can send you an invite to my nephew's second birthday party!" Instead of writing that email, take a moment to step back from your computer and consider the possibility that I'm just not that into you.

Well, that's the end of the book, as I've now run out of notebook paper. Did this help you determine whether I'm just not that into you? I hope so! If you take anything away from reading this, I hope it's that I am possibly not that into you, which is why you probably won't be hearing from me again. But there are other great women out there. Women who will be into you and will love all of your quirks. Even that thing where you kind of farted into my purse and told me to hang onto that for later.

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