Friday, April 5, 2013

How to Get Your Friends to Help You Move

I'm putting this here just because.

I hate helping people move. If you're my friend, you get ONE. I'll help you once. If you move again, you're on your own. A lot of people I know have been talking about moving lately or are preparing to actually move. And while I don't remember when I started to write this or for what reason, I thought it was time I finished it. Just in case. Preparing to move and need help? Plug your name/location in where applicable and read this verbatim to your friends. I guarantee that you'll at least get a "maybe" out of them.

Please, Please Help Me Move

I stand before you today, humbled. You, my friend, are the very meaning of hope. Hope that in the America I love, those who are closest to me can take the place of my movers who canceled at the last minute, drop what they are doing, drive to Brooklyn in their incredibly spacious Land Rover, and help me move my belongings to my new apartment. I believe in the goodness of people. I believe in the goodness of you.

Do not say that you are busy with a thing you have to do. Do not default upon that favor you totally owe me. Do not tell me that your mom is in town. Instead, rise up out of your chair, put on your dirty T-shirt, and come to my house as soon as you can, preferably before noon today. And be sure to wear some comfortable, slip-proof shoes.

You may be asking yourself, "Can I really help my friend Mike with this? Am I capable of being of assistance?" YES YOU CAN. We can do it together.

YES WE CAN move these boxes from this apartment, down to a moving van, across town, and back up six flights of stairs to my new apartment.

YES WE CAN unpack them in an orderly fashion, polish my knick-knacks, and put them on shelves in the pattern I have drawn out for you on this chart.

YES WE CAN organize my shoes in my new closet by color.

And YES WE CAN be done by 8 PM when my old landlord said he would be having the locks changed.

Now you may be asking, "Hey, Mike, what's in this for me?" So many things.

I will not buy your assistance with money. I will not buy your assistance with beer or other alcoholic refreshment. I will not buy your assistance with a carefully chosen Hallmark card. Instead, the gratitude that you will feel after you help me move will be more than enough payment for your services. But if gratitude and friendship are not enough, I would be willing to make everyone a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the ingredients for which are definitely in one of these six boxes in the hallway.

Now, can I count on your assistance on moving day?

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