Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10 Tips on Saving Your Romance from a Crazy Person

Joan Crawford is sick of your shit.

Do you have to check to make sure the person sleeping next to you has a pulse? Do you secretly fantasize about men in infomercials? Do you think your dad is a squirrel? Maybe the fire has gone out of your relationship.

NEVER FEAR! HAHAHAHAHA! I am here to help you get the fires going in your relationship again. Fires.

Read on for some great tips.

1. Buy some sensual lingerie. Hang it in the closet. Now there is a beautiful silk ghost who talks to you when nobody else will.

2. Leave notes that let him how you feel. Sign the note with the names of all of your personalities...but especially Brenda.

3. Be more adventurous. Climb to the top of things and jump off. Wheeeeee!

4. Set aside time for me time. Figure out who me is. Ask Jerry. He'll know.


6. Be more nurturing. Breastfeed those orphaned raccoons that are living behind your trash cans. They'll grow into big unicorns one day.

7. Schedule a date night. Climb a tree across the street from where he lives, and watch him get ready. Be prepared for danger. It's coming. It's always coming.

8. Step away from the electronic devices and just be together. Is that a webcam? Is it watching me right now? Is it reading my thoughts?

9. Take a vacation together. Maybe try Hawaii or France or the bottom of the ocean.

10. If none of those other things work to bring the spark back, light your man on fire. Nothing gets the spark back in your romance like watching the love of your life run around frantically searching for a fire extinguisher or a large pool of water in which to dunk himself. And as he recovers in the burn unit, who will be by his side? That's right. You.

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