If you're reading this, it's likely you were once a reader of The Cubicle 3-10 Newsletter and right now you're like, "Oh, dear, Bethany. Not this again." But for those of who are not in the know, I'm really proud to be 1/8 Irish. So, I compiled some information on celebrating St. Patrick's Day like a true 1/8 Irishperson. Now, grab your 1/8 as long shillelagh sticks and get out there and celebrate. Who knows? You might find the pot of nickels at the end of the aisle 7 at Rainbow (good sales going on right now).
CELEBRATE ST. PATRICKS’S DAY THE 1/8 IRISH WAY!
Some Holiday Tips
St. Patrick’s Day is almost here again, and for those of us who are 12.5 percent Irish, it’s time to do some celebrating in honor of our partial heritage! Even if you aren’t 1/8 Irish, you too can celebrate like a real fractional Irishperson. Here are some great tips.
Plan your own 1/8 Irish St. Patrick’s Day parade. Borrow some “POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS” tape from a local crime scene and barricade a small section of street near where you live. (The walking paths in your local park could also be very useful.) Hold a float building contest! The key to 1/8 Irish float building is to pretend to get really drunk on non-alcoholic beer and then only finish 1/8 of it.
Cook a genuine 1/8 Irish meal. No food is more representative of St. Patrick’s Day than corned beef and cabbage. But for the 1/8 Irishperson, no food is more representative than a handful of stale Cheez-its and some tap water. (Well, what did you expect when you only plan 1/8 of the meal and then only make it 1/8 of the way to the grocery store?) On that note, my apologies to those of you who contracted food poisoning after trying out my corned hamster and Brussels sprout recipe in last years St. Patrick’s Day newsletter. You really aren’t supposed to cook rodents. I was joking.
Sing a jolly 1/8 Irish song. After the last few Cheez-its are eaten, and the unfinished floats have been dumped down by the river, it’s time to sing a traditional 1/8 Irish song. Here are 1/8 of the lyrics of one of my favorite tunes.
When 1/8 Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, 'tis like 11 AM in Spring.
In the lilt of 1/8 Irish chuckles
You can hear the 1/8 of the angels sing.
When 1/8 Irish hearts are somewhat happy,
1/8 of the world seems bright and gay.
And when 1/8 Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal 1/8 of your heart away.
When those words are sung by the 1/8 Irish Tenors in one of their famed 7.5 minute concerts, it always brings a tear to my eye.
A Recipe for 1/8 Irish Soda Bread
1/8 c. flour
1/8 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. baking soda
1/8 tsp. sugar (optional)
1/8 c. buttermilk
1/8 c. raisins
Knead and form into a round loaf. Place on a cookie sheet. Bake close to the top of the oven at 350 degrees until golden brown. Serves 8 mice or one large toddler.
The Proud History of the 1/8 Irish
I’m proud to be 1/8 Irish on St. Patrick’s Day! 1/8 Irish people celebrate 1/8 as much as the full-blooded Irish. While the 100% Irish people sit at pubs and drink green beer, the beer we 1/8 Irish sip is more of a light sage. Our Riverdance is a bit more of a Trickledance, where we kick our feet only 1/8 as high.
The 1/8 Irish people have a long and very proud history. It is thought that 1/8 Irish people contributed to the building of the Titanic back in Ireland. Of course, they were notorious for going to work only 1/8 of the time and leaving after only 1/8 of their shift was over. Some even theorize that the initial sinking was brought on by a 1/8 Irish watchman who raised the iceberg alarm only 1/8 of the time.
1/8 Irish people are particularly rare because our ancestors made it only 1/8 of the way across the Atlantic before they got tired and went home. And only 1/8 of them even made it that far.
This year, as I watch the St. Patrick’s Day parade from my window and spend 1/8 of my day thinking about Colin Farrell, I’ll remember how proud I am to be 1/8 Irish. After all, Oktoberfest is only a few short months away.