Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Remedy for Your February Depression: A Story with Boobs in It

Some extraterrestrials on their home planet.

Hey, feeling depressed because it's still February? Come on over here, sit down, and place your face right here next to my tragically misshapen boobs. Feel better? Of course you do. Nothing cures what ails you like boobs. Even ones that look and feel like a cactus.

But enough about my sad boob situation and on to today's tale that will surely cure your horrible, debilitating February depression because it has much shapelier boobs in it. Actually, just one shapely boob. (And just be sure to look up from it once in a while because its eyes are up here.)

The February depression really is the worst, isn't it? You're just minding your own business, spending time alone in your apartment, eating one of those single-serve microwavable chocolate lava cakes, while you watch some movie on Netflix with Mandy Moore in it. And then you start thinking about your life and all of those choices that led to a lot of disappointment, misery, and pain. Like that one time when you had a crush on that guy and mustered up the courage to say to him, "Hey, guy, I really like you." And he was all, "In your dreams, Cactus Boobs." So, you went home and cried in the shower. Yeah, we've all been there, right? So, let's not put it off any longer and get to the story.

I call it...

Adventures on Boob Planet

Far, far, far away in space, there was a giant boob. But if you want to be all scientific about it, technically it was a planet that just looked like a boob because boobs tend to not have their own atmosphere and gravitational pull, which this one did. And on this giant boob planet, aptly named Boob Planet, there lived a large society of people, and those people were total bros.

You can imagine that life on this planet was pretty freaking sweet. Bros were like, "Hey, 'sup?" and "Partyyyyyy," and cool stuff like that. There were no wars because everybody was all, "Hey, man. It's cool." Work started at 4 PM after everyone on the planet had recovered from last night's hangover and had time to order a pizza. And all the jobs were stuff like doing some yard work for cash, working in your uncle's garage, or collecting sports memorabilia and selling that shit on Ebay.

The only downside was that there were no women on the entire planet, so there was a lot of awkward fumbling in the dark when mating season started. 

But one time there was this one bro, and he was like, "I want to be an astronaut," and the other bros said to him, "Man, that is awesome. You should do that. Are you gonna go to college and stuff?" And he said, "Yeah, man." So, he worked hard and got his grades up and then totally got into college where he majored in Outer Space and Cool Stuff Like That. When he graduated, his bros were all, "Let's take him out and get him sooooo wasted." And the entire planet threw the sweetest party, after which time nobody did a thing for an entire month but lie around in their bean bag chairs, watch football, and eat can after can of Pringles.

Five years later, the bro who was an astronaut finally finished this totally awesome rocket ship and was all, "I'm gonna be the first bro to go to space, dudes! I guess I wanna see what else is out there before I get too old to party, like those older bros who do all their drinking at the bar at Applebee's," To which the entire planet responded, "Woo!"

So, one morning, he got up bright and early around 2 PM, climbed aboard the rocket ship, and blasted himself way out into space where there wasn't a single keg stand to be performed, nor was there a single college sports team to root for, and there certainly weren't any spring breaks to Cancun. In fact, it was pretty lonely. The astronaut bro spent a lot of time looking out the window at Boob Planet as it got farther and farther away, feeling kind of weird about it, and taking lots of long showers.

Several years went by and soon Boob Planet was far, far away, a distant nipple in the dark of space. With all that time on his hands, astronaut bro read some pretty cool books. He ate a lot of space nachos, space chili, and space Hot Pockets. He worked out a lot to maximize his glutes and delts. So, when the rocket touched down on a planet far, far out in space, needless to say, he was in pretty sweet shape. Which was awesome because this new planet, which was shaped like a man's toned buttocks, was occupied by a lot of smokin' hotties who had nothing to do all day but wear bikinis and totally make out with each other.



wilsonbilson said...

Can one get space nachos WITH space chili??

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Yes, sir. Your order will be up in 15 light years. You can go ahead and pull around to Venus to pick that up.