Friday, October 19, 2012

Frightening Friday: Cursed Dismembered Animal Appendages of Death

Whatever you do, don't make any wishes.

Back in the olden days before PETA, people thought it was hilarious to sever animal appendages and keep them for luck and also for fun. If you lived in the olden days and your friend came up to you at school or the Civil War and said, "Greetings, chum, behold my lucky rabbit's foot!" you would probably get really excited for him and think he was the cat's pajamas. But in current times, if your friend comes up to you and says, "Hey, dickbreath, take a look at my lucky rabbit's foot," you might scream and scream and have nightmares and unfriend him on Facebook. This is because people have become increasingly sensitive to the suffering of animals. No longer can you freely skin a raccoon and wear him on your head, even though you might want to because the raccoon in question is a total homophobe. Nowadays, if you want to skin a raccoon, carry a rabbit's foot, or put a curse on the paw of a monkey so that people who make wishes upon it end up in terrible circumstances, you have to deal with a lot of criticism and red tape.

Unfortunately for the people of today's Frightening Friday story and monkeys everywhere, it takes place in modern times, and we cannot disregard the feelings of the monkey whose dismembered paw plays a central role in a great deal of misfortune.

Cursed Dismembered Animal Appendages of Death

Agatha was a normal girl in every way but one. And that one way was that she hated everyone and everything and wanted to spread misery and woe wherever she went. Now, perhaps you think you know someone like that. Maybe it's your older sister, an unpleasant movie theater employee, or Torquemada. But all of those people love something or someone. Your sister loves Chad, the sousaphone player in the school marching band. The unpleasant movie theater employee loves quitting time. And Torquemada loves persecution. But Agatha did not love anything or anyone. The only thing that even came close to bringing Agatha some kind of happiness was selling cursed souvenirs to the tourists who visited her town. But even that made her angry and unpleasant.

"Hell-O! We're from out of town!" tourists would titter when they entered Agatha's dark and unpleasant souvenir shop.

"Woop-de-freaking-do," Agatha would grunt. "Buy something or get out."

But people on vacation just thought she was being a quaint local and would quickly gather up as many cursed snow globes, keychains, postcards, and bottles of chipotle barbecue sauce as they could carry and purchase them for all their friends back home.

Some of them might make it to their vehicles before it would happen. Others might make it to the nearest gas station. But no matter how long it took, some kind of misfortune would befall those tourists. A flat tire. A bee sting. Plummeting 500 feet to their fiery deaths at the bottom of a steep gorge. Agatha would read about it in the local newspaper and grunt with a very low level of satisfaction and carry on with her day.

Now, Agatha had a special side business in the back of the souvenir shop, and that side business was selling cursed dismembered animal parts. The reason it was in the back of the souvenir shop and not right out front with the rest of the cursed souvenirs was that she had not filed the proper paperwork to sell said animal parts with the U.S. Department of Cursed Severed Animal Appendages. As I mentioned earlier, there was a lot of red tape involved with using parts of animals for amusement, decoration, or doing ill will to others, and Agatha hated red tape right along with everything else.

But as you can imagine, it can be very dangerous to deal in cursed animal appendages. You might, for instance, be stocking the shelves in the back of your souvenir shop, carefully placing the cursed and therefore, ironically, very unlucky rabbits' feet in the bin where they go while wearing a pair of unwieldy lead-lined anti-curse gloves. And because your gloves are so unwieldy, you may accidentally topple a bin filled with cursed monkey's paws with your elbow. And as one of the cursed monkey's paws falls to the floor, it may brush your bare ankle the moment you say to yourself, "I wish I didn't need these stupid gloves!"

Oddly, that is exactly what happened to Agatha in the back room of her evil souvenir shop. The dropped cursed monkey's paw brushed her bare ankle, and instantly, Agatha developed a pair of lead-lined anti-curse hands.

"Arrrrrrgh!" Agatha screamed, and she did this for two reasons. The first reason is that the entire floor was now covered with cursed monkey's paws, and Agatha hated messes. The second reason was that, as anyone with lead-lined hands knows, they are extremely heavy. So, as soon as Agatha's wish was granted, she was cursed with not only lead-lined hands, but terrible posture as well, as her hands quickly fell to the floor. And if you thought Agatha was cranky before, well...

What followed was a terribly disgraceful display involving an angry person with a sore back crawling around on the floor, digging through a lot of monkey's paws and crying a lot as she tried to wish her hands back to normal. It was a very sad display, and I don't want you to have to witness it, even with your brain. Just know that Agatha's hands (and life) were never the same again. The government found out that she was dealing in unlicensed, cursed goods, and her shop was closed down. PETA caught wind of the situation and made a commercial about it starring Pamela Anderson fellating a banana for some reason. A few very depressing years went by, and Agatha moved to India to try to find some peace through spiritual healing and meditation. But one night, as she walked down the street dragging her extremely heavy knuckles on the ground, she was mistaken for a monkey by a shaman with no respect for animals.

So, if you are in a marketplace in India and someone offers to sell you an extremely heavy monkey's paw that he promises will grant your every wish, don't buy it. It's cursed. And also Agatha never washed her hands.


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