Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Tale of Lies and Face Wash: The Prequel

My morning face cleansing routine.





I won't keep you in suspense any longer! Here is the super awesome prequel, which I'm told by critics is better than Prometheus!

Ten years earlier...

The president of the Clean & Clear corporation and the president of Neutrogena were set to have a secret meeting in their top secret tree house behind the Johnson & Johnson corporation.

"You know what I hate?" asked the president of Clean & Clear.

"What?" asked the president of Neutrogena.

"I hate it when people have clean faces!" said the president of Clean & Clear.

"Me too!" said the president of Neutrogena.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed the president of Clean & Clear. "Let's make a top secret plan so that everyone in America has super gross and greasy skin."

"That's a great idea!" said the president of Neutrogena. "I'll help you with it because we're best friends."

"Cool!" said the president of Clean & Clear.

The next day, the president of Clean & Clear and the president of Neutrogena went to see their other best friend, the president of Hellmann's.

"Hey, Hellmann's president," said the two best friends. "Do you want in our secret plan?"

"What is it?" asked the president of Hellmann's.

"We want everyone in America to have super gross and greasy faces!" said the president of Neutrogena. He was so excited, he peed a little.

"What!?" said the president of Hellmann's. "That's literally the best idea ever! I'll help you!"

"Neato!" said the president of Clean & Clear, high-fiving his two very best friends in the whole world.

"Hey, everybody!" said the president of Hellmann's to his entire workforce. "Do me a big-time favor and start putting that mayonnaise in these containers instead! And put some mentholated smell in it too."

He showed them some tubes that said "Clean & Clear Deep Clean Cream Cleanser" and "Neutrogena Deep Clean Cream Cleanser."

"Why should we?" said an employee.

"Because we're going to give everyone in America gross and greasy faces, and there isn't a thing you can do about it, buddy!" replied the president of Hellmann's.

"Okay!" said the employee. 

And the workforce took off bottling mentholated mayonnaise in the misleading face wash containers.

"This is so much fun!" giggled the president of Clean & Clear.

"I know!" chortled the president of Neutrogena.

"We are the funniest heads of corporations ever!" snickered the president of Hellmann's.

Within a week, everyone in America had super gross and greasy faces. The three friends looked out on America and chuckled nefarious chuckles at the people and their extra clogged pores and shiny foreheads. The plan was working perfectly!

But there was a downside, as there is with any nefarious plan to give everyone in America gross and greasy faces.

One day, while the president of Clean & Clear, the president of Neutrogena, and the president of Hellmann's were sitting in their top secret tree house, they got a visit from the president of the Pam cooking spray corporation.

"I'm the president of the Pam cooking spray corporation," said the president of the Pam cooking spray corporation. "Let me in!"

"What's the password?" queried the president of Neutrogena.

"I don't know!" said the president of the Pam cooking spray corporation. "But I am very, very important in the field of cookware greasing, and I'll get really mad if you don't let me in."

"Fine!" said the president of Clean & Clear. He opened the door.

"What do you want?" asked the president of Hellmann's.

"What's the big idea with giving everyone in America gross and greasy faces?" the president of the Pam corporation asked.

"We thought it was funny. And what does it matter to you anyway?" asked the president of Neutrogena.

"I'll tell you why it matters to me! My sales have gone down down down. And worse, some famous chef discovered that face grease is ten times more slippery than Pam cooking spray. And now everyone is greasing their cookware with their faces," replied the president of the Pam corporation.

"That's revolting!" said the president of Neutrogena.

"Tell me about it!" said the president of the Pam corporation. "Last night I ordered an omelette at my favorite restaurant and I almost barfed my guts out and died."

"Gross. I can't believe you ordered an omelette," said the president of Clean & Clear. And then there was an awkward silence for five minutes.

"Put it right, or else there will be heck to pay!" said the president of the Pam corporation.

"What are you going to do about it?" asked the president of Hellmann's.

"I'm super good at intimidation is what," said the president of the Pam corporation. "I'm part of Big Oil after all."

At this, the three best friends and corporate heads laughed and laughed.

"You should be the president of comedy," said the president of Neutrogena.

And at that, the president of the Pam corporation left very upset, wiping tears from his extremely greasy face.

"Next, I think we should make ranch dressing shampoo," said the president of Hellmann's. And that is where the story ends because I'm bad at writing endings when my face is this greasy.

THE END.

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