Thursday, May 10, 2012

Happy Mother's Day from Your Son, Norman Bates

When I was in high school/college, I would write my mom special Mother's Day cards from various fictional characters. I'm presenting this special Mother's Day message to you unedited, complete with the double spaces after every period, just like I learned in typing class. 

And now, a special Mother’s Day message to you from your dear, dear son Norman Bates.
Hello, Mother.
It’s me, your son Norman.  I know we haven’t been together for a while, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.  Have I told you that I’m sorry I killed you and Leroy (or whatever that guy’s name was) and then tried to preserve your body so I could keep you forever?  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Must’ve been those taxidermy chemicals.  Remember that time I hid your body in the basement with the preserved and you were so mad?  God, those were the days.  Hey, do you remember when I decided that I missed you so much I would just put on your clothes and pretend I was you and have conversations with myself?  Ha ha ha!!!  I had almost forgotten about that.  And then, as you, I killed a couple of people and then I tried to cover it up by dumping their bodies in the swamp.  Looking back on those days makes me laugh hysterically now.  It’s too bad you were dead for that.  It was a pretty funny time.  Hey, listen, do you mind if I keep that blue flowered hat?  I always liked that one, and when I miss you just enough I put it on and dance around in nothing but a bed sheet.  Just so you know, I have kicked my addiction to pornos, and as for that whole peeping tom thing, well...that was just a phase.  Reggie, my cell mate, set me straight on who his bitch was right after I got here, know...I’m growing to love that guy.  I miss you, Mom.  Sometimes late at night I miss resting my wittle head against your rapidly decomposing shoulder.  Take care of my birds for me.
Love, your son

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