Thursday, May 10, 2012

Happy Mother's Day from Your Son, Norman Bates

When I was in high school/college, I would write my mom special Mother's Day cards from various fictional characters. I'm presenting this special Mother's Day message to you unedited, complete with the double spaces after every period, just like I learned in typing class. 

And now, a special Mother’s Day message to you from your dear, dear son Norman Bates.
Hello, Mother.
It’s me, your son Norman.  I know we haven’t been together for a while, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.  Have I told you that I’m sorry I killed you and Leroy (or whatever that guy’s name was) and then tried to preserve your body so I could keep you forever?  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Must’ve been those taxidermy chemicals.  Remember that time I hid your body in the basement with the preserved and you were so mad?  God, those were the days.  Hey, do you remember when I decided that I missed you so much I would just put on your clothes and pretend I was you and have conversations with myself?  Ha ha ha!!!  I had almost forgotten about that.  And then, as you, I killed a couple of people and then I tried to cover it up by dumping their bodies in the swamp.  Looking back on those days makes me laugh hysterically now.  It’s too bad you were dead for that.  It was a pretty funny time.  Hey, listen, do you mind if I keep that blue flowered hat?  I always liked that one, and when I miss you just enough I put it on and dance around in nothing but a bed sheet.  Just so you know, I have kicked my addiction to pornos, and as for that whole peeping tom thing, well...that was just a phase.  Reggie, my cell mate, set me straight on who his bitch was right after I got here, know...I’m growing to love that guy.  I miss you, Mom.  Sometimes late at night I miss resting my wittle head against your rapidly decomposing shoulder.  Take care of my birds for me.
Love, your son

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Playing [the Hunger Games] with Myself

In the second week of January, my nutritionist suggested that it might be a good idea to cut out dairy, gluten, sugar (including all fruits and starchy vegetables), alcohol, yeast, and any processed food products.

I did his bidding. I was tired of feeling sick all the time.

Now, I'm just hungry all the time. And while I'm enjoying walking around with dark circles under my eyes like some kind of deranged Mary-Kate Olsen, I have to tell you that this is the worst. And when I say "worst" I mean I rank it somewhere far, far down the list beneath children forced to eat out of the garbage. (I spend a lot of time thinking of things worse than this.)

But, despite my own circumstances, I like to consider myself a caring person. I love to share. So, why not share some recipes that have helped me improve my lifestyle and my life? Totally free of charge. And I promise not to post before and after pictures of myself and make you look at them.

If you follow these recipes, maybe you too can walk around with dark circles under your eyes and salivate every time someone near you mentions cupcakes! Just like me! And now, some recipes from old Italia!

Brick Oven Pizza

Delicious pizza! Cheesy!

Pizza is one of the most delicious foods on the planet, as you are well aware, probably sitting at your desk or straddling a bowl of soup or whatever it is you do when you are online reading things. So, here is a particularly delicious pizza recipe that will help you achieve your healthy lifestyle goals.


premade pizza crust
a very delicious tomato sauce
fresh mozzeralla
whatever other toppings you want (I like bacon)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Spread sauce over the crust. Add toppings and cheese. Bake for 30 minutes until the crust is golden brown and the cheese is delicious and melted. Cut up pizza. Watch your friends eat the pizza and eat a fucking cucumber instead while you secretly think about getting new friends you hate less. Enjoy!

Dietary Chicken Parmesan
Chicken! The fish of the land!

This recipe is a lot of fun, if you think fun is cutting open your own face with a razor blade. I mean, who doesn't love chicken parmesan? Or as I like to call it "chicken," since fine, aged cheese is strictly prohibited.


chicken breast

Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Place chicken breast onto baking sheet. Place in oven for 1 hour, uncovered. Remove and place in center of a bed of spinach leaves on a decorative china plate. Be sure to wash the extremely dry chicken breast down with plenty of plain tap water and human tears.

Sauteed Leaves of Something

Leaves of something.

If there is one thing Italians love to do in an attempt to be healthy, it's sautee leaves of something in olive oil and garlic.


leaves of something (spinach, kale, whatever, as long as it's LEAVES)
olive oil
chopped garlic

Heat skillet. Add olive oil and garlic. Sautee leaves until they collapse into a green baseball-sized lump. Garnish with salt. Eat leaves.

Pasta Carbonara 

Pasta carbonara. No, really.

As I like to say on occasion when I'm alone in bed at night fantasizing that I'm being interviewed by Oprah, "If it doesn't have bacon in it, why the hell would it put it in my mouth?" (At this point, Oprah and I laugh and laugh.) Which brings me to pasta carbonara, invented by someone who thought, "I have eggs. I have pasta. I have bacon. Let's do this, motherfucker." Hopefully, you will enjoy this version of it as much as I do.


1/2 pound bacon, chopped
4 large eggs, beaten
ground black pepper
1 pound spaghetti
1 cup parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon finely chopped parsley

Heat nonstick skillet. Add eggs. Mix until scrambled. Garnish with salt, pepper, and parsley. Eat scrambled eggs.

Gluten-free, Sugar-free, Dairy-free Cannoli
Delicious nothing!

This doesn't technically exist. But if you say the word "cannoli" it's like eating a delicious word dessert. 

And that concludes my amazing and sure-to-be-bestselling healthy eating cookbook. Check back when I share some delightful recipes inspired by Asian cooking! Hint: it's all chicken breasts.