Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Message from Vlad the Impaler
Hello, people of the world. Vlad the Impaler here. Scourge of Romania. He who impales and bathes in the blood of his enemies. Good times.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking since the 1400s, and I want to make it clear that the days of impaling are behind me. That whole thing was just a bad idea. I want to change my image and make a clean start.
"How do you intend to do that, Vlad?" you ask. "I mean, it's hard to just forget between 40,0000 and 100,000 deaths by impaling. All that blood! All those pointed sticks! And the smell. The smell!" Well, in response to that question, I plan to make many, many apologies to the families of those I impaled. So, here goes.
I just want to say I'm really sorry for all of the impaling. I got a little carried away. I mean, you make a guy the prince of Wallachia and give him an unlimited supply of sticks, and what do you expect is going to happen? But that is no excuse. I impaled many people with those sticks and allowed their lifeless corpses to rot and fester in the sun for my own amusement, and for that I am very, very sorry. It was a bad thing to do. And you can trust me when I say that it will never happen again.
And just to show how sincere I am about the apologies I'm making today, I have purchased several thousand Hallmark cards. So, check your mail. If I impaled your ancestor, you'll be getting a very special message from me quite soon. The cards have a little puppy on the cover. He's got this sad expression on his face, and at the bottom it says, "I'm sowwy." I think you'll all really like it. I apologize in advance for impaling each card on the end of a tiny stick. Old habits, you know?
Now that we've cleared that up, I have a little request. We've been calling me Vlad the Impaler for the last 500 years or so. Would it be a nuisance at all for everyone to start calling me by my given name, Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia? I just feel like the old name has such a nasty vibe. And it's not doing me any favors. I applied for a job the other day, and despite my credentials as the ruler of a nation, I was told that my credentials as a maniac outweighed those. I've been able to pick up work poking toothpicks through sandwiches at the deli, but it doesn't pay much, and bills at the manse are piling up.
So, if you hear anyone using my old name, please just let them know that I'm going by Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia now. I mean, I definitely won't impale you for calling me just Vlad or Prince Vlad or Scourge of Romania. I may poke you with a sharp stick. But that's it. I won't go any further. I've learned my lesson.