Sunday, September 11, 2011

Your Personal Account of Where You Were and What You Were Doing on September 11 Is Really Boring

You can't tell by looking at him, but this bald eagle is bored out of his mind.


Hey, over here.

Yeah, you.

Come here.

I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it.

Your personal account of the events of September 11, 2001, wherein you were watering your lawn and "...ran inside real quick to turn on the TV" is seriously...SERIOUSLY boring.

You need to stop telling it.

No, don't argue with me.

I think we both know this is for the best.

When people ask the question, "Where were you?" they are actually hoping you'll say, "I was a firefighter. I ran into the first tower and personally saved the lives of 27 people" so they can tell everyone they know that they met a real life hero and got to buy him a drink.

They don't want to know that you were, " your hotel room ironing your pants for the big software conference and saw the tragedy unfolding on the news."

I know it was a big, scary, sad, angry day for you. It was a terrible day for everyone. But I think we can all agree that since you were 700 miles from Ground Zero and "heading to the garage to get your oil changed" at the time of the attacks, it's safe to say that your account is not worth hearing more than once. It's been 10 years, and you don't even own that car anymore.

And now you're thinking, "But, Bethany, how do I know if my personal account of 9/11 is really interesting or if people are just nodding and smiling when I tell it?"

I'm so glad you asked. Here's how you know.

1. If your story includes the words "I ran in and turned on the TV," it's boring. Did anyone but the Amish NOT turn on their TVs that day? Answer: no.

2. If part of your account includes calling everyone you know to verify that they are all fine and still living at least 500 miles from New York, DC, and Stonycreek Township, Pennsylvania, it's not worth hearing.

"But, Bethany," you quickly chime in, "Can I tell that part where I took off my shirt, painted my chest red, white, and blue, went on a three-day bender, and woke up on Lee Greenwood's front lawn with the lyrics of "Proud to Be An American" tattooed across my chest?"

Yes. That one you can tell. But if it drifts into where you like to shop for post-tragedy snow globes, I'm going to stop you.

Disclaimer: The author reserves the right to say these mean things because her 9/11 account starts, "I was asleep..." and she admits openly that it is pretty boring.


Anonymous said...

Mine does, too, actually.

hughesfamily said...

This is hysterical. My sister found your blog somehow...and she shared this link with me. LOVE IT. So true.

paula said...

My account of that day may be boring but the important part is it helps me remember the horrible events of that day, the heroic efforts of the police & fire fighters & reading about the retelling of our time I know millions of prayers were storming heaven & the miraculous outcome that more people were not killed. History is only important if its remembered.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@hughesfamily: Aw, thank you so much for stopping by. I love getting comments from new readers.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@paula: Heroism and tragedy aside, if you can see that your account of that day's events are boring, then my work here is done.