Wednesday, April 27, 2011
**I'm sick of looking up pictures of Donald Trump, so here is a picture of Voldemort instead.
"I am very proud of myself today," said President Trump in a press conference held on the roof of the newly-opened Washington Monument Hotel and Casino. "I, Donald Trump, the President of the United States, hereby take credit for everything ever." This was met with the applause of the gathered attendees including his children, First Lady Dakota Fanning Trump, and various former Apprentice participants.
He went on, "I am a patriot, having drafted and signed the very document that freed us from British control over 200 years ago. I am the smartest man alive, as I once wrote a little book called A Brief History of Time about the origin of the universe. Among other things, I also wrote and directed the movie Citizen Kane. And I just want everyone to know how proud I am of myself for doing all of these things. I'll now turn it over to the Speaker of the Hairdo to wrap up the alphabetical list of things I've decided to take credit for."
Trump then flew to Camp Ivanka aboard the helicopter that he invented.
This morning, my boyfriend said, "Hey, what do you want to drink for breakfast? Juice? Milk? Wine?" And I said, "How about some wine, but with juice in it...because it's breakfast?" Two minutes later, he brought me the juice-wine concoction I had requested, even though I was joking, and I drank it right down. And I can safely say that juice-wine is awesome and put me in such a good mood that not even the most annoying subway commute could bring me down today. And then I wrote this story about drinking at odd hours.
Harold, the Town Sober
"Once upon a time" is the best way for any story to start. It makes you go, "Oh, boy! A story that will surely take place in a kingdom far away. And it will have a beautiful princess and an evil queen and something sharp, pointed, and deadly." And then you want to read on to hear more about their hilarious shenanigans in which someone (the queen) eventually gets impaled upon the sharp, pointed, and deadly object and dies because she lives in a time and place where stitches weren't invented.
Unfortunately, this story does not start with "Once upon a time." Nor does it start "On a dark and stormy night." Or even with "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Instead, it starts with "Drunken buffoonery was not only tolerated in the village of Beerington, it was required." And then it goes on from there. You'll see if you read on.
Drunken buffoonery was not only tolerated in the village of Beerington, it was required. If you were born there, when you sprang from your mother's womb, you were not brought to her to suckle; instead, you were handed a bottle of tequila, a shaker of salt, several limes, and a very sharp knife with which to cut them. Then, the doctor who delivered you left for the pub. You learned very quickly how to mix your own cocktails, change your own diapers, and prepare your own hot wings, as that was the only food substance consumed by the people of Beerington.
Of course, because it was a functioning hamlet, the people of Beerington actually had to have town meetings. And because they were all drunk, they never got a thing resolved. Most of the time, the meetings would turn into brawls and the town's officers would have to arrest everyone, including themselves, and the entire population of Beerington would have to spend the night in lockup. In the morning, they would all bail themselves out just in time to head to head home for a breakfast of mimosas and hot wings.
There was one person who found this whole situation very stupid. And that was Harold, the town sober. Harold had never really liked the taste of alcohol. So when everyone else in town got up to drunken buffoonery, he would sip on a glass of non-alcoholic cranberry juice and say nonsensical things in a manner that convinced everyone that he was at the required levels of drunkenness.
Harold found it all very stupid because on the nights of town meetings, he would find himself just as locked up as all the drunks. But rather than passing out like everyone else did, he would have to sit awake in the dark and endure an entire town's bad breath and vomit puddles. Of course, he put this time to good use by going around and picking everyone's pockets. But before you think he did this out of villainy, it was actually to ensure that everyone paid their taxes. Thanks to Harold, there were perfectly paved roads going in and out of town (even though no one was allowed to drive on them), good schools for students to black out in, and a wonderful town square with a statue of Colonel Beerington, for whom the town was named. (He was a colonel who bravely founded the town's first saloon.) Long story short, Harold, the town sober, was the only reason the town hadn't fallen into a deep pit of disrepair years and years before. (And also just a regular old deep pit as the town was unwisely built on at the edge of an abandoned mine shaft, and Harold had wisely filled it in.)
During Harold's 27th year of living, he decided that he was tired of being the only responsible person in Beerington and never getting a bit of credit for it. So, he decided to run for political office.
To be continued...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
President Trump today signed a bill to help unwed mothers get up on their feet after spending years on welfare.
"Pushing this bill through has been difficult," said the President at a Gold House press conference this afternoon, "I've dropped at least 50 grand on everyone in Congress. Luckily, I have the cash because of all of the wise investments I made in the past. And the success of my hit show The Apprentice on NBC. Tune in Sundays at 9."
The new law will allow mothers who were previously on welfare to start their own businesses.
"Here's what these unwed mothers do under the new law," said the President. "They give me $100,000. I in turn give them the right to use the Trump name to open a daycare franchise. Trump's Daycares and Kiddie Spas. Luxury child care for babies and toddlers who appreciate the finer things in life."
The passage of the bill was met with skepticism in the form of an angry mob who gathered on the Gold House lawn.
"How, pray tell, do I get my hands on $100,000, President Trump?" asked one single mother who took part in the protest.
Trump lashed back, as he is wont to do when anyone criticizes him, with, "Maybe you should have made wiser investments in your past like I did. You really are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?" He then had his butler turn on the sprinklers and was later seen departing for a month-long vacation to Majorca aboard Yacht Force One.
More on this story as it unfolds.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
After telling the Electoral College to shut its fat mouth last night, Donald Trump was elected president in a landslide victory.
"See," said President-Elect Trump in his victory speech, "All you have to do is stand up for what you believe in, tell people to shut up, and throw some money at it, and your presidential dreams can come true."
"I don't know how this is possible," said Speaker of the House John Boehner. "But apparently there is a little-known loophole in the Constitution where presidential candidates can tell the Electoral College to shut its fat mouth and immediately be made president. How do you think Andrew Jackson got elected?"
Trump's run for the presidency has been interesting and often controversial. Last month he challenged incumbent Barack Obama to a "Presidential Staring Contest," rather than the traditional debate. Trump's ice cold stare was so intense that Obama developed a stutter and immediately went crying back to Kenya. No one has seen Obama since, leaving the country in the hands of Vice President Joe Biden.
Trump also selected his running mate, Jenna Jameson, through a nationally televised swimsuit competition and offered checks for $1,000 to anyone who vote for him.
"Now that I'm president," said Trump, "I can start getting this country back on track. No more men with ugly wives. No more lesbians. No more making reservations at the best hotel in Dubai only to have someone tell you that only the second best luxury suite is available because King Abdullah of Jordan decided to stay an extra night. We will rise above these challenges as a country."
Stay tuned for more presidential news as it unfolds...
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Terminally ill former college professor Geoffrey Grayburn likes to think that he spent his teaching years inspiring the students who took his classes. From behind his podium, he taught everything from Greek Mythology to Modern Lit.
"I like to think I shaped the minds of a few generations," Grayburn says with a laugh. Growing somber, he adds, "So why have none of my former students come forward since my diagnosis to Tuesdays with Morrie me?"
Day in and day out, Grayburn hangs out in his deathbed waiting for the phone to ring. Sometimes he reads a magazine. Sometimes he watches old episodes of Law & Order. But he has yet to spend any day with a former student talking about what a great teacher he used to be. He has yet to sit and listen while someone reads to him aloud from a Shakespeare collection, punctuating every somber moment with teary outbursts and the words, "Please don't die! You were the best teacher I ever had!"
"I stopped by for a visit once," said one former student who wanted to remain anonymous. "But he threw me out of the house when I refused to cry as I carried him up and down the stairs repeatedly while a photographer took touching photos of us spending his last days together."
"I brought him a casserole," said another former student. "But I refused to spoon feed it to him, so he had his videographer ask me to leave."
Says Grayburn, "I would just like to hear the words 'Professor Grayburn! I just heard the news, and I want you to know how great of an influence you were on my life. Yes, I absolutely agree that James Garner would be perfect for the role of you in the movie you're making about your life.' Is it so much to ask for a former student to show up at my door, tape recorder in hand, prepared to write a bestselling book about the time we spend together before I die? One that can be easily adapted into a screenplay? I'm terminally ill, people!"
Until a former student comes forward to properly express sadness over his illness and impending death, Geoff Grayburn will continue to sit alone in his darkened living room reciting, to himself, Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" as he enjoys an evening Jell-o and practices his proud facial expressions for when his film goes to Sundance.