Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Things That Are Terrible













You know what's terrible?

Besides famine, flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, avalanches, rockslides, forest fires, house fires, barn fires, wildfires, zeppelin crashes, plane crashes, hot air balloon crashes, car crashes, bridge collapses, terrorists threats, terrorists following through with their threats, terrorists getting away with what they just did and giggling about it, domestic violence, diabetes, AIDS, cancer, glaucoma, accidental electrocution, purposeful electrocution, scalding yourself in the shower, second degree burns, being out of AD Ointment, having to run to the pharmacy to get more, the pharmacy being out of it, the pharmacist recommending that you just rub a little butter on it, trying that, wondering if your pharmacist was mistaken about this being a good idea, trying to get into the bathtub to wash off the butter while covered in butter, falling down, head injuries, lying in a pool of your own blood for three days, being discovered naked by your landlord, him telling everyone it must have been some kind of depraved sex act involving butter that led to your injury since you fell backwards directly onto your shampoo bottle, extraction surgery, a long and painful recovery, Oxycontin addiction, using the litter box at your parents' house because someone is in the bathroom, alienating your family and friends, intervention, rehab, seeing your pharmacist there, being like "What are you doing here, pharmacist?" your pharmacist giggling maniacally, realizing he's just a crackhead in a white coat, and crying into your pillow every night for the rest of your life?

When you find a raisin in something that's not supposed to have raisins. Like a Caesar salad. Or lasagna. Or beef stew. Gross! Where did it come from?

And that is what is terrible. *curtseys*

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Mildly Sexual Romance Between Two Consenting Partners



















Well, again I have let a lot of time slip by between posts. What excuse can I offer this time except that have been feeling particularly uninspired for the last week AND I've been toiling away at a new Fashion Don'ts post, which is haaaard work.

Therefore, I give you this tale of mild sexual debauchery to tide you over until my next post.


A Mildly Sexual Romance Between Two Consenting Partners

Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince. Which is how many mildly sexual stories begin because inevitably the handsome prince's shirt will come unbuttoned, and we will see his manly pectoral muscles. Therefore, to save time, the handsome prince's shirt was already unbuttoned. And, yes, his pectoral muscles were very becoming. And sweaty.

The prince in question was doing something very unsensual at the time, however. He was sitting on the royal toilet reading about gold futures.

At the same time in a kingdom 15 miles away, there was an equally attractive princess. She had long, golden locks and a very nice face. But at the time this story begins, she was shaving her armpits.

These two lookers were betrothed to one another as they had been since birth. They hated each other.

The prince, whose name was Prince Beckforth III, hated the princess because all she ever did was show him vacation pictures on her camera phone and talk about her cat who died. The princess, whose name was Princess Mandy, hated the prince because he was always walking around with his shirt unbuttoned and talking about the stock market.

So, right about now you're thinking that there is nothing mildly sexual at all about this story, and you are right. And there is a very simple explanation for that. And the explanation is that it makes me very uncomfortable to talk about mildly sexual things. It makes me feel a bit woozy, as I sit here at my desk typing this story and deep throating this popsicle, to write about the rippling pec muscles of a handsome prince. So uncomfortable that I will leave the rest of the story up to you.

If sexual content also makes you nervous, and you just want it to be over, scroll to section 1A.

If you would like the end of the story to finally evolve into hot and feverish touching, scroll to section 1B.

If you would like to read more about popsicles, scroll to section 1C.


1A

There, there. Shhhhhhhhhh....it will all be over soon.

If you take the cyanide capsule, scroll to section 2A.
If you prefer me to stop trying to force you to swallow the cyanide capsule, scroll to section 2B.


1B

Princess Mandy had a horrible fever from the tetanus she contracted from stepping on a rusty nail. And as most people do when they are suffering from a high fever, she touched everyone and everything with her hot, sweaty hands. It was very hot and very sweaty, and everyone involved definitely needed to eat a popsicle in order to cool off.

THE END.


1C

Popsicles were invented by Fred Flintstone of Bedrock during the Mesolithic Age, 10,000 years ago. They were later improved by Jello enthusiast and humanitarian Bill Cosby, who thought to add pudding. Today, you can find popsicles in almost any flavor in the freezer section of your local supermarket. Except potato. I've looked, and they just don't have it.

THE END.


2A

Here, wash it down with this Kool-Aid. Mmmmmmm...fruity.


2B

Well, this is awkward. Now I'm going to have to finish the story.

If you would like me to finish the story, scroll to section 3A.
If you are bored and would like to visit another website, click here.


3A

Eventually, Prince Beckforth III and Princess Mandy realized that for the good of their respective kingdoms, they needed to just shut up and get married already because if you aren't married to someone of the opposite sex by the time you are 40, you will dry up and die.

This post has been brought to you by Focus on the Family and me eating popsicles.

THE END.