Friday, October 8, 2010
Frightening Friday: Hotel Room Showers Are Scary
Hey, where do you live? Yeah, you! Because it's haunted. That's right. Your house is haunted. How do I know? Because a one-eyed shaman told me so. Someone totally died there. So, if you are at home right now sitting upon that massive collection of pizza boxes you call furniture reading this and thinking, "Whew! It's good that I'm safe here where I live," then you're wrong. WRONG! Right now, something is lurking very close to you and ready to pounce. I only hope you can get to the end of today's edition of Frightening Friday before you meet your end. You'd better read quickly.
Hotel Room Showers Are Scary
It's weird enough showering in hotel rooms. You start thinking, as you carefully soap up your genitals, about all of the weird people who probably soaped up their genitals in there before you. And enjoyed it. Serial killers, investment bankers, people who throw unwanted pets into trash cans. All with soapy genitals. Then, you discover that while all you wanted was a hot shower when you got to that hotel room after a long day of traveling, now you want nothing more than dip yourself in bleach in the comfort of your own home. So, when you're in the shower at that hotel thinking about all those things and someone dressed up as his own mother comes into the bathroom without knocking carrying a razor sharp knife, it's likely to put you off of hotel showering forever.
Now, let it be noted that you should never, enter a bathroom without knocking. Mostly because you could find yourself in an awkward situation. Like discovering your grandfather with his pants around his ankles doing crossword puzzles on the toilet. But also because the person in the bathroom might react poorly to being interrupted by throwing a full bottle of shampoo at your head.
Secondly, you should never, ever go into a bathroom carrying a razor sharp knife. The floor can get very, very slippery when someone is in the shower. You could slip on a puddle of water and impale yourself in a very distasteful manner. Or accidentally cut a hole in the shower curtain and be forced to see a relative in the nude.
Thirdly, you should never dress up as your own mother. Because people will inevitably think you are your own mother. And when you are in a hurry to get to the pharmacy to buy some PreparationH for your hemorrhoids, you will have to spend 30 minutes talking to her friend Marcy. Even though Marcy should know better because your mother has been dead for 10 years. And you clearly have a penis under that dress.
To get to the point, and I have one, if you decide to cast aside this excellent advice and dress up as your own mother and enter a bathroom without knocking while carrying a razor sharp knife, just be really careful.
Now, getting back to the story, on one dark and rainy night not too long ago, after a long day of traveling, a person got into a shower in her hotel room. It had been a long day, and she was tired. After several enjoyable minutes of soaping up her genitals, the door to the bathroom opened and a person entered carrying a razor sharp knife. Now I know that you're all thinking, based on the warnings I provided above, that the person in question was dressed as his own mother and slipped around dangerously on the damp floor. But, no, it was the hotel maintenance man and he brought a knife into the bathroom to fix the toilet because he couldn't find his screwdriver that day. And, because he was a maintenance man and had fixed toilets on slippery tile floors before, he was careful to step around the puddles. But he was not used to carrying a razor sharp knife, so the maintenance man accidentally cut a sizable hole in the shower curtain. The person in the shower screamed in terror and threw a full shampoo bottle at his head, and rightly so because who enters without knocking? The maintenance man, seeing that the woman in the shower was his great-aunt Gloria and she was soaping up her genitals, had a heart attack and died right there.
Years later, they converted that hotel into apartments. Really wonderful apartments...like the one you're sitting in now reading this from atop the stack of pizza boxes you call furniture. And sometimes on dark nights, you can hear a shower running and the moans of a maintenance man who wasn't careful with his knife.