Monday, September 13, 2010
The Very Sweaty Tale of Boobsweaterella: Part 2
Well, I hope you got some sleep and didn't stay awake for the last two days waiting to hear the rest of the story of Boobsweaterella.
If you did, I would hate to keep you waiting any longer. So, read on.
The Continued Tale of Boobsweaterella
If you recall, Boobsweaterella's stepsisters had left for the ball. And Boobsweaterella was fanning her stepmother so that she wouldn't get dehydrated.
"AAAAAA! You're dripping sweat all over me!" cried the stepmother.
"Sorry," said Boobsweaterella.
"Never mind," said the stepmother. "Go inside and get me a popsicle."
In the kitchen, Boobsweaterella was met by her very sweaty fairy godmother wearing her favorite hot weather muumuu.
"Let's cut to the chase," said the fairy godmother, "because it is seriously hot up in this piece. I'm your fairy godmother, and you want to go to the ball, right?"
"Nah, not really," said Boobsweaterella.
"Sure you do," said the fairy godmother.
"No, I really don't," Boobsweaterella replied.
"Well, okay then. Do you want to just take off our bras and make margaritas?"
And so they did.
You: Hey! What about the other characters in the story?
You: You know, the stepmother waiting for her popsicle. The stepsisters? The handsome prince? The ball?
Me: Oh, right right right.
The actual end of the story:
Boobsweaterella finally agreed to go to the ball after much chiding from her fairy godmother. She put on her best cotton sundress and gave her armpits an extra swipe of Speed Stick. With a wave of her magic wand, the fairy godmother produced a bicycle out of thin air. "Have a good time!" she called as Boobsweaterella pedaled off down the road. Any other mode of transportation would have been suffocating on such a hot night, so she was pleased with the bicycle.
Boobsweaterella finally arrived at the ball. You already know what happened next. The prince saw her amazing knockers and fell instantly in love, completely unafraid of being turned into a skin coat. They danced and danced and sweated all over each other.
But suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, Boobsweaterella remembered that her stepmother was still sitting out on the patio unfanned and probably quite dehydrated.
"Oh, no!" she cried. "I have to go!"
"Stop!" the prince cried, panting after her.
But Boobsweaterella ran out the castle gates and pedaled off on her waiting bicycle, leaving only a trail of perspiration behind her for the prince to remember her by.
Now, you're probably thinking, "Great! Now the prince will have to go all around the kingdom and find the mysterious woman who left that trail of sweat behind!" And you would be wrong. He used the phone book. There weren't many listings for "Boobsweaterella" in that kingdom, let me tell you.
Early the next morning after changing into a less sweaty pair of boxer shorts, the handsome prince set off in search of his love.
Five minutes later, the prince found Boobsweaterella's house and knocked on the door.
When she opened the door, and the prince recognized the sweatiest, most bountiful rack he had ever seen, he instantly proposed marriage.
But Boobsweaterella, who was a cynic and was pretty sure the prince had not once looked at her face, told him no and went back to fanning her stupid stepsisters.
Eventually, she went to college, became a scientist, and invented a special antiperspirant for the below-boob area. She made millions.