Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Goldilocks and the Low Blood Sugar Crisis: Part 2

***Hungry grizzly preparing to eat Grizzly Adams, who was not hungry at the time.

Well, yesterday we learned that laughing at starving people is not nice. And we learned that if you skip meals in anticipation of something that could potentially be a month away, you will likely die. We also learned about the pre-hibernation habits of bears. One thing we didn't learn, however, is just how far a starving Antarctican person would have to travel to find a KFC. So I did some fast Googling, and I think that currently their best chance of having a delicious chicken dinner is this one. So, if you see or speak to any Antarcticans on the search for food, kindly direct them to Sydney, Australia. And recommend that in the future they just try harpooning something.

All of that aside, I know you came here to read the rest of the thrilling tale of anthropomorphic bears, girls with low blood sugar, and terrible parenting. And so I will continue with that with no further ado.

Goldilocks and the Low Blood Sugar Crisis: The Conclusion

Goldilocks smelled chicken. And as everyone knows, if you are suffering from low blood sugar and smell chicken, no one had better stand between you and that chicken. As many unfortunate people have learned, acting as a barricade between a hungry person and his nosh may result in accidental cannibalism.

As you will likely remember, the tantalizing chicken fragrance was coming from a cabin owned by a family of anthropomorphic grizzly bears who were preparing for their winter hibernation. Specifically, it was coming from a half-eaten bucket of chicken sitting in the lap of a 500 pound grizzly. This information might deter most people, but not Goldilocks. She stormed right into that cabin, tore the bucket of chicken from the bear's lap, and ate it in three bites. And then she ate the grizzly. And his armchair. And because I'm feeling charitable and just had a delicious lunch that cured my low blood sugar, the mother grizzly and cub escaped unharmed.

The moral of this story is that 1) You should always have a snack handy 2) Don't stand between a hungry person and her food 3) Don't be an anthropomorphic bear in a story that I am writing because I will discard that whole porridge thing and leave you dead, bloody, and in the stomach of a hungry tween and 4) Always cook your meat before you eat it, or you may get a tapeworm like Goldilocks did.



Abigail said...

Goldilocks is a dick. She deserves a tapeworm.

peach said...

i am very curious as to how you identified the randwick village KFC to be the one closest to antarctica. does antarctica have zip codes?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Abigail: I agree. She is very rude.

@peach: I simply found what I think is the farthest south KFC in the world.

Polah Bear Gang$ta$ said...

Haha! Emeffin' grizzly got hiz azz hizzoused. Serves 'em right for creepin' on our turf. North-siiiiide!

Popeye said...

We are currently in the process of negotiating a lease in a location that would serve the Antarctic continent. Screw KFC and Church's.