Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Goldilocks and the Low Blood Sugar Crisis

Well...it has been a month since my last post. And while I am positive that if any of you were missing meals waiting for me to post something, you are most assuredly dead by now and not reading this. And while this advice will go unread by those who did starve to death, I'm going to say it anyway. You really should have known better.

That said, starvation is no laughing matter. I feel strange even smirking at the idea of starvation. And if you are currently giggling over the demise of those who died waiting for me to write this, you should be ashamed of yourself. Think of all those starving people in Antarctica right now, waiting around the ice floe for that apple tree that will never take root or those $5.99 chicken dinners that will never be delivered because there is no KFC within several hundred miles. Next time you find yourself chuckling over the idea of hunger, I hope you will think of those people and frown accordingly.

And now, those of you who did not starve to death while waiting for this blog post can read this thrilling tale of how if you don't eat something when your blood sugar is low, you will definitely die.

Goldilocks and the Low Blood Sugar Crisis

Before bears go into hibernation for the winter, they eat a lot of extra food. That way, while they are sleeping the cold winter months away, they can survive on their extra body fat. In fact, if you spy through the window of a cabin that belongs to an inexplicably anthropomorphized grizzly during the fall months, you will likely see him sitting in his armchair with his paw in a bucket of chicken. You might even see his charming grizzly wife slaving over a hot stove and grumbling about the lazy, fat son of a bitch she common law married and how he never helps out in the kitchen, just sits in his armchair all day with his paw in a bucket of chicken. Furthermore, you may see the grizzly family's adorable cub playing on the rug next to his father's chair wishing he had opposable thumbs so he could play with Legos.

But before you go spying in any grizzly cabin windows, I would like to remind you that 1) Grizzlies are dangerous animals and 2) It is rude to spy in windows. So if you see a cabin owned by some inexplicably anthropomorphized grizzly bears, it would be best to tiptoe on by and just assume that they are in there preparing for hibernation by eating lots of things.

Unless you are rude and unafraid of grizzlies. Or suffer from low blood sugar. Like Goldilocks.

Personally, I think the name Goldilocks is stupid. But when compared to the names of her siblings, Brownhead, Baldie, and Combover, I suppose it might be the preferable name given to the Hairhead children.

Goldilocks was wandering around alone in the woods one day because, in addition to giving their children terrible names, her parents were always telling her to go outside and have an adventure, secretly hoping that she would be eaten by bears because they regretted allowing themselves to be coerced into reproducing by their meddling parents and religious leader.

And so Goldilocks was skipping through the woods alone, when she suddenly realized that her blood sugar was low. Now, most people who frequently suffer from low blood sugar would be smart enough to keep a snack handy. But not Goldilocks. Because as every girl Goldilocks's age knows, if boys catch you eating food, they will think you are a fat cow person made of snacks. And so, Goldilocks dizzily skipped on wishing for a few crackers or an apple so she wouldn't pass out. And that was when she passed a cabin owned by inexplicably anthropomorphized bears and smelled chicken in the air.

To be continued....


Anonymous said...

god beth-how I miss you!you shoulod be a WRITER!! you are too funny to waste this shit -
I should come visit-like duh how far away are you from here??

peach said...

Oh! You know the Hairheads, too? I'm friends with Combover. He's a funny guy.

Fathead said...

You forgot about me.