Saturday, July 3, 2010

Scenes from My Imaginary Cooking Show

Sometimes when I lie awake at night contemplating my life choices, I like to play out scenes from my imaginary cooking show. You know...that cooking show that you fantasize about having after you make a particularly tasty meal and are still secretly congratulating yourself on how well it went over? Well, I would like to share a bit of it with you. So, with no further ado, here is my imaginary cooking show.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to my cooking show. As you can see, I have some bowls here for mixing things in and some spoons. This is the stove, and in here is the oven. I'll be using all of them today to make a meal perfect for entertaining.

Okay, so first we should make a nice appetizer. I like to make something French so that my guests can be reminded of the time they spent in France. And what do people think of when they think of France? Baguette and fromage, which is French for bread and cheese. So for a tasty French appetizer, let's take these bread slices and cook them in the toaster. Yeeeees, that's nice. Look at those getting nice and golden. Then we'll put some cheese slices on top and then pop them right in in the microwave for melting. Serve immediately or when your guests finally arrive with that bottle of Pepsi you asked them to bring. You know, when they gave you a weird look and said, "How about a bottle of French wine?" And you said, "No, I said Pepsi. Who's the gourmet here?" (If you are forced to wait for your guests to finally arrive, put the plate of appetizers on top of the radiator to keep them warm and ready to serve.)

And now, because the theme is French cooking, I'm going to stick with that theme and make a delicious French entree. Now, I've never been to France, but I hear it is lovely. And you know what else is lovely? A big pile of bacon like this one here. So we're going to make a quiche Lorraine. Who is Lorraine, you ask? Your mom is Lorraine. Hahahaha. Oh, I am so funny sometimes. Okay, now I like to make quiche Your Mom in the easiest manner possible. So buy a pie crust that is pre-made. You'll want to crumble the cooked bacon into tiny pieces. Then, crack the eggs, add this milk, sprinkle in these spices, and pour the mixture into the crust. Then pop into the the oven at 350 degrees until the top is firm and cooked through. If your guests still haven't arrived, you can put it back in the oven on the warm setting and then stare listlessly out the window like I hear they do in France.

Dessert is next on the agenda. And if you're like me, you want to make that dessert as decadent as possible. So we're going to make creme brulees. Yep, a rich custard with a layer of hard caramel on top. Mmmmmm....very French! Your guests are going to think they never left France last weekend. They'll be like, "Que c'est délicieux!" And you'll be like, "I don't know French and I've never been to France because when I suggested taking a trip there, you guys were all, 'Let's go next weekend!' and I was all, 'I need to save up for a month or two first," and you guys were all, 'Well, why don't we go this time and you can go later when you can actually afford it?' BUT I do know that 'délicieux' must mean something good!" Creme brulee is very easy. As you can see here, I already made these ones using some cream, vanilla, eggs, and some other stuff. Sprinkle the tops with sugar and melt with this cooking torch. Don't singe off your eyebrows! Hahahahaha...

Oh, look! Your guests are arriving. And they brought you a tiny replica of the Eiffel Tower. Isn't that thoughtful? I hope they like warm Pepsi and the diarrhea you gave them with all that cream and cheese! This has been Bethany's cooking show. See you next time!

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