Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My Uni-Kittens Sequel You Haven't Been Waiting For

Well, I am sure that whether you are a frequent or infrequent reader of Welcome to Bethville! you have probably noticed that I haven't done a lot of posting lately. This is because I am suffering from what the experts like to call "writer's block." Now, you're probably thinking "What is this writer's block? And can I catch it if you bleed on me? And if I do catch it, can it be cured or will I spend the rest of my life bedridden, suffering from a very high fever, and unable to think of things?" And the answer to all of these questions is "Spoon, yes, democracy, and tartar sauce" if this is the correct answer key on my desk.

That being said, my college creative writing instructor once said that there is no such thing as writer's block, only writer's laziness. So, not only can I not let the words of a man who fancied himself a bit of a J.D. Salinger but was really more of a P.D. Eastman get to me, I must also forge onward and prove that I am neither lazy nor blocked.

And so, for the sake of getting through my writer's block, here is a story that you may or may not enjoy very much. I call it Uni-kittens 2: The Rise of the Hairballs. And before you say, "Oh, not another sequel," I can assure you that it is brilliant. So read on, or my feelings will get hurt.

Uni-Kittens 2: The Rise of the Hairballs

Once upon a time in the Sparkledarkle Forest, there was a uni-kitten named Uglyface. Now, you're probably thinking that a story involving a place with a name like Sparkledarkle Forest and a protagonist who looks like an adorable kitten sporting the horn of a unicorn will likely end with dancing faeries and a magical wizard saving the day. But you would be wrong. Because Uglyface the uni-kitten was the owner and operator of the Sparkledarkle Forest meat processing plant. And as you likely know, meat processing plants are places where many creatures are harvested of their meat in an often very gruesome manner.

But despite how gross it all was, someone in the forest had to run the meat processing plant because, as you know, uni-kittens are voracious carnivores. And the someone with that job happened to be Uglyface because he was the only uni-kitten with the balls for it. And when I say "balls," I am not referring to Uglyface's testicles but to his vast collection of magical yarn balls which were used to tie up the uni-oxen before the slaughter so they wouldn't get away.

Now, you may or may not remember from the first story a charming uni-kitten named Snugglebottom who went on to become president of Sparkledarkle Forest. Well, he is in this story as well because part of his reelection campaign involved promises of cleaning up the meat processing industry. (He only did it to annoy Uglyface, not because he valued cleanliness.) Snugglebottom is our antagonist, a big jerk, and I hope you all hate him as much as I do.

One day, while Uglyface was hosing down the hoof grinder with some antibacterial faery water, Snugglebottom showed up unannounced with a large group of very important looking uni-kittens in tow.

"And over here," said Snugglebottom to the VIPs, "you'll see how stinky and disgusting this dead thing is as it lies there in the corner rotting."

Uglyface gave him a mean look.

"Oh, that's YOU, Uglyface," said Snugglebottom, pretending to be embarrassed. "I mistook you for a rotting carcass. How droll!"

"What do you want, Snugglebottom? I've got 300 more head of uni-oxen to slaughter before the end of the day," said Uglyface.

"I am here to shut this place down!" proclaimed Snugglebottom.

"Oh my god, I hate you so much," said Uglyface.

And with a snap of Snugglebottom's precious little uni-kitten paws, the plant was shut down.

Now, at this point, I should probably remind you that uni-kittens are carnivorous, which means that they eat nothing but meat So, as you may have expected, two weeks later everyone was starving, and there was not a scrap of meat to be found anywhere. And the Sparkledarkle Forest was seriously overrun with uni-oxen who pooped everywhere and didn't feel the least bit sorry for anyone who stepped in it.

Even Snugglebottom began to look pale and gaunt during his annual "State of the Sparkledarkle Forest" speech.

Everyone was totally mad at him too.

Now, I know you are waiting for Uglyface to save the day by running against his stupid ex-friend Snugglebottom using a campaign slogan like, "The forest is full of shit, and so is Snugglebottom!" But Uglyface was not the type of uni-kitten for saving of anyone's day. He was all about self-preservation. And so he relocated to the nearby Tipsywhipsy Forest, which has relaxed hunting laws, and ate all the uni-oxen he wanted.


Gary said...

With the overpopulation of uni-oxen in the Sparkledarkle Forest, was there any change to the environment of the ecosystem? I would imagine uni-oxen would release a good amount of greenhouse gases from natural biologic processes. Additionally would the possible acid rain that forms move downwind hitting Tipsywhipsy Forest?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Gary: Clearly you are not familiar with the geography of the Twinkle Province. And with the digestive processes of uni-oxen.