Wednesday, June 23, 2010
My Horrible Disfigurement
Well, in the words of Michael Bluth, "I have made a huge mistake." And, per usual, my pain and suffering is your entertainment. Because if I don't talk about it in the most shameless manner possible, it's just sad.
But first, a confession.
I have chin hairs. Yes, you heard it here first. My chin is not smooth and hairless as a drag queen's butt. Normally I just pluck these hairs, which I was doing on Monday morning when I suddenly had a brilliant idea: wax strips.
Every few years or so I forget about the pain and suffering involved with hair removal products and purchase some. I have used the microwavable wax, Nair, and razors with one, two, three, four, and five blades. And I like to think that at 30 years of age I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have been burned, cut, bloodied, and maimed by hair removal products. And at this point I'm happy with razors and plucking in the necessary areas, thankyouverymuch.
But a few months ago I thought I would give the wax strips a whirl because I also have hair on my upper lip and plucking that area hurts like a motherfucker. So why not tear off the entire patch of hair in one go, am I right?
So, on Monday I thought to myself, "I've got these lip hairs. I've got these chin hairs. Why not just use wax strips on everything?" And so I did. But Monday was a very warm and humid day, and as I was soon to discover, wax strips leave sticky residue on your face when the weather is warm and humid.
Long story short, I scrubbed and I scrubbed and I scrubbed my face. And as hairless and beautiful as I was at that point, I just couldn't get the wax to come off. Twenty-four hours later my face was still sticky.
Which brings us to this morning. I apparently rubbed my face so raw that my chin has decided to scab over. I look like Vincent Price in House of Wax. And if just now you said, "Vincent who? I thought Paris Hilton was in that," then know that I secretly think you're an idiot, although I would never say it to your face.
I applied lotion and aloe liberally and then I attempted to cover it all up with makeup. But I still look a mess. And on the wild carousel that is my beautification process, I have reached that point again where I'm climbing down from the horse feeling a bit queasy and wondering why the hell I did that. And thinking is it really that bad to have a few chin hairs? At this point, should I just let my chin grow wild like the prairie?
"Yes!" part of me says. "It's not worth the pain! You look like an orc of Mordor today. I hope that you learned your lesson and next time don't try anything stupid."
But I know that in a few short months when I have recovered from my horrible disfigurement, I'll find a hair. And it will drive me nuts. And I'll think, "What was that important lesson I learned a few months ago? Something about wax strips....OH LOOK! A carousel! Pretty horses!" And, yeah, I'll do this stupid shit again.