Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Horrible Disfigurement

Well, in the words of Michael Bluth, "I have made a huge mistake." And, per usual, my pain and suffering is your entertainment. Because if I don't talk about it in the most shameless manner possible, it's just sad.

But first, a confession.

I have chin hairs. Yes, you heard it here first. My chin is not smooth and hairless as a drag queen's butt. Normally I just pluck these hairs, which I was doing on Monday morning when I suddenly had a brilliant idea: wax strips.

Every few years or so I forget about the pain and suffering involved with hair removal products and purchase some. I have used the microwavable wax, Nair, and razors with one, two, three, four, and five blades. And I like to think that at 30 years of age I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have been burned, cut, bloodied, and maimed by hair removal products. And at this point I'm happy with razors and plucking in the necessary areas, thankyouverymuch.

But a few months ago I thought I would give the wax strips a whirl because I also have hair on my upper lip and plucking that area hurts like a motherfucker. So why not tear off the entire patch of hair in one go, am I right?

So, on Monday I thought to myself, "I've got these lip hairs. I've got these chin hairs. Why not just use wax strips on everything?" And so I did. But Monday was a very warm and humid day, and as I was soon to discover, wax strips leave sticky residue on your face when the weather is warm and humid.

Long story short, I scrubbed and I scrubbed and I scrubbed my face. And as hairless and beautiful as I was at that point, I just couldn't get the wax to come off. Twenty-four hours later my face was still sticky.

Which brings us to this morning. I apparently rubbed my face so raw that my chin has decided to scab over. I look like Vincent Price in House of Wax. And if just now you said, "Vincent who? I thought Paris Hilton was in that," then know that I secretly think you're an idiot, although I would never say it to your face.

I applied lotion and aloe liberally and then I attempted to cover it all up with makeup. But I still look a mess. And on the wild carousel that is my beautification process, I have reached that point again where I'm climbing down from the horse feeling a bit queasy and wondering why the hell I did that. And thinking is it really that bad to have a few chin hairs? At this point, should I just let my chin grow wild like the prairie?

"Yes!" part of me says. "It's not worth the pain! You look like an orc of Mordor today. I hope that you learned your lesson and next time don't try anything stupid."

But I know that in a few short months when I have recovered from my horrible disfigurement, I'll find a hair. And it will drive me nuts. And I'll think, "What was that important lesson I learned a few months ago? Something about wax strips....OH LOOK! A carousel! Pretty horses!" And, yeah, I'll do this stupid shit again.


Abigail said...

Poor Beth's face. Next time, dust liberally with cornstarch/baby powder. Then the wax won't stick. And it'll hurt less. For now, try oil to get the wax off? Baby oil (which is mineral oil) or even canola or olive oil.

Anonymous said...

Pics or it didn't happen.

Love, BAngieB

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@BAngieB: You don't want to see pics of this. I'm serious.

@Abigail: Baby powder. Good call.

Cornelius the Mordorian Orc said...

I am sure you are hot. Will you marry me?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Cornelius: While I am sure you are handsome, I am in a relationship. But I am quite flattered.

Samwise "Rudy" Gamgee said...

Dear Mayor,

The whole Cornelius thing probably wouldn't have worked out anyways. He perished by my hand this afternoon. He was actually quite ugly in person, even by orc standards. I am glad for your sake, you did not ever have to see him.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Samwise Gamgee: Would you please stop killing off all of my potential lovers? We've talked about this.

imagblogger said...

good for you for being in a relationship! so tell us about this lucky man! and most importantly is he good in bed? JUST kidding about that part! unless of course you want to tell--you know what they say, sex sells!