Wednesday, June 2, 2010

And Now I Must Rant: People Are Gross

Over Memorial Day weekend I used a public bathroom that will surely give me nightmares for many years to come. All I could think as I crouched there balancing myself on the edge of the seat trying to avoid other people's old pee droplets was that during the 18 years I spent living on a farm being forced sometimes to drop trou and take a piss where cows do it, I was never as disgusted with cows as I am with humans. And cows will lift their tails and piss upwind of you on a day with 40 mile per hour wind gusts. Which leads me to the conclusion that people are actually more disgusting than farm animals, and public bathrooms are proof.

1. No toilet paper. Now, when I say that there is no toilet paper, I mean there is toilet paper, but it is in a big wad on the floor soaking up some puddle of piss someone left. Perhaps there weren't any empty stalls, and after twelve seconds of waiting, the pee-er couldn't take it anymore and decided to crouch over a non-functioning floor drain. She then threw a whole roll of paper on the mess and skipped merrily out to continue her day. It was the last roll.

2. Piss sprinklets all over the seat. I know. I know. You don't want to get your ass dirty, so you hover over the seat and let it all out. Well, congratulations, you left a big fucking mess for the next person, you sick whore. (Mark my words. I will pee on your grave one day.)

3. Clogged toilets. It happens. What's gross is that no one ever comes along to fix it, so it all just kind of sits there making a nice stinky toilet stew. And that's all I'm going to say about that because if I go on, I will definitely throw up all over myself.

4. Locks that don't work. We've all taken a pee with one foot up on the stall door to keep it from flying open. Or to keep out those people who don't check for feet before shoving their way into the stall only to realize you are already in their with your pants down, awkwardly mumble an apology, and move on to watch someone else take a dump.

5. Children. No, I refuse to take it back, and you can't make me. Children are germ factories. They other day, I saw one come out of the bathroom carrying the same ice cream cone she had in her hand when she went in. She kept right on eating it.

Taking all of this into consideration, I can come to only one conclusion. From now on I'm just going to find a quiet spot behind a tree. Because someone may have pissed there before, but at least nature took care of the mess.

***I was going to use a picture of a public bathroom, but the Google image search made me hork. So, you get a cow. I hope you like it.


wilsonbilson said...

You need a hug.

Emily Bryan said...

I agree with every word Beth! The 'hover method' makes the the most mad! Thanks a lot for leaving a mess for the next person.

Michael P. Fay said...

With all the technology nowadays, toilets themselves should be able to lock people in stalls who are disgusting about their bathroom use and start caning people Singapore style. The ass scars would be a reminder forever.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I agree with everything you guys have left in comments.