Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Horrible Disfigurement

Well, in the words of Michael Bluth, "I have made a huge mistake." And, per usual, my pain and suffering is your entertainment. Because if I don't talk about it in the most shameless manner possible, it's just sad.

But first, a confession.

I have chin hairs. Yes, you heard it here first. My chin is not smooth and hairless as a drag queen's butt. Normally I just pluck these hairs, which I was doing on Monday morning when I suddenly had a brilliant idea: wax strips.

Every few years or so I forget about the pain and suffering involved with hair removal products and purchase some. I have used the microwavable wax, Nair, and razors with one, two, three, four, and five blades. And I like to think that at 30 years of age I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have been burned, cut, bloodied, and maimed by hair removal products. And at this point I'm happy with razors and plucking in the necessary areas, thankyouverymuch.

But a few months ago I thought I would give the wax strips a whirl because I also have hair on my upper lip and plucking that area hurts like a motherfucker. So why not tear off the entire patch of hair in one go, am I right?

So, on Monday I thought to myself, "I've got these lip hairs. I've got these chin hairs. Why not just use wax strips on everything?" And so I did. But Monday was a very warm and humid day, and as I was soon to discover, wax strips leave sticky residue on your face when the weather is warm and humid.

Long story short, I scrubbed and I scrubbed and I scrubbed my face. And as hairless and beautiful as I was at that point, I just couldn't get the wax to come off. Twenty-four hours later my face was still sticky.

Which brings us to this morning. I apparently rubbed my face so raw that my chin has decided to scab over. I look like Vincent Price in House of Wax. And if just now you said, "Vincent who? I thought Paris Hilton was in that," then know that I secretly think you're an idiot, although I would never say it to your face.

I applied lotion and aloe liberally and then I attempted to cover it all up with makeup. But I still look a mess. And on the wild carousel that is my beautification process, I have reached that point again where I'm climbing down from the horse feeling a bit queasy and wondering why the hell I did that. And thinking is it really that bad to have a few chin hairs? At this point, should I just let my chin grow wild like the prairie?

"Yes!" part of me says. "It's not worth the pain! You look like an orc of Mordor today. I hope that you learned your lesson and next time don't try anything stupid."

But I know that in a few short months when I have recovered from my horrible disfigurement, I'll find a hair. And it will drive me nuts. And I'll think, "What was that important lesson I learned a few months ago? Something about wax strips....OH LOOK! A carousel! Pretty horses!" And, yeah, I'll do this stupid shit again.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It's Almost Summer! Why Not Take a Vacation?

Need a vacation? Why not visit beautiful Bethany's Apartment Luxury Hotel and Casino?!

Amenities include a couch that sleeps one comfortably, a shared bathroom with a sparkling clean toilet, and beautiful views of my neighbors across the street who the other day roasted hot dogs over a burning trash can.

Explore the expansive 20 square foot grounds on foot. You might even spot some local wildlife! Just don't feed her. She bites.

Do you like water sports? The Bethany's Apartment Luxury Hotel and Casino is just steps from the East River. I hope you brought your biohazard suit and snorkel!

Hungry? Enjoy a luxurious meal courtesy of my refrigerator! How does gourmet dry pasta and croutons sound? I also have yogurt! And for dessert, popsicles!

Want to do some gambling? Visit the all-night Crazy Eights table. Or, for the more serious gambler, Go Fish!

Enjoy the night life? Why not drop in at Downstairs Neighbor Night Club and join in on the dance party that goes all night? No cover charge if you sneak in after dark with chloroform!

Need entertainment for the kids? Too bad! They can't come, and I have the poison darts to prove it.

Call for your reservation today at 718-***-****.

AAA discounts are available through bribery.

***Luxury hotel pictured above was used for illustrative purposes only. Bethany's Apartment Luxury Hotel and Casino is far more awesome.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My Uni-Kittens Sequel You Haven't Been Waiting For

Well, I am sure that whether you are a frequent or infrequent reader of Welcome to Bethville! you have probably noticed that I haven't done a lot of posting lately. This is because I am suffering from what the experts like to call "writer's block." Now, you're probably thinking "What is this writer's block? And can I catch it if you bleed on me? And if I do catch it, can it be cured or will I spend the rest of my life bedridden, suffering from a very high fever, and unable to think of things?" And the answer to all of these questions is "Spoon, yes, democracy, and tartar sauce" if this is the correct answer key on my desk.

That being said, my college creative writing instructor once said that there is no such thing as writer's block, only writer's laziness. So, not only can I not let the words of a man who fancied himself a bit of a J.D. Salinger but was really more of a P.D. Eastman get to me, I must also forge onward and prove that I am neither lazy nor blocked.

And so, for the sake of getting through my writer's block, here is a story that you may or may not enjoy very much. I call it Uni-kittens 2: The Rise of the Hairballs. And before you say, "Oh, not another sequel," I can assure you that it is brilliant. So read on, or my feelings will get hurt.

Uni-Kittens 2: The Rise of the Hairballs

Once upon a time in the Sparkledarkle Forest, there was a uni-kitten named Uglyface. Now, you're probably thinking that a story involving a place with a name like Sparkledarkle Forest and a protagonist who looks like an adorable kitten sporting the horn of a unicorn will likely end with dancing faeries and a magical wizard saving the day. But you would be wrong. Because Uglyface the uni-kitten was the owner and operator of the Sparkledarkle Forest meat processing plant. And as you likely know, meat processing plants are places where many creatures are harvested of their meat in an often very gruesome manner.

But despite how gross it all was, someone in the forest had to run the meat processing plant because, as you know, uni-kittens are voracious carnivores. And the someone with that job happened to be Uglyface because he was the only uni-kitten with the balls for it. And when I say "balls," I am not referring to Uglyface's testicles but to his vast collection of magical yarn balls which were used to tie up the uni-oxen before the slaughter so they wouldn't get away.

Now, you may or may not remember from the first story a charming uni-kitten named Snugglebottom who went on to become president of Sparkledarkle Forest. Well, he is in this story as well because part of his reelection campaign involved promises of cleaning up the meat processing industry. (He only did it to annoy Uglyface, not because he valued cleanliness.) Snugglebottom is our antagonist, a big jerk, and I hope you all hate him as much as I do.

One day, while Uglyface was hosing down the hoof grinder with some antibacterial faery water, Snugglebottom showed up unannounced with a large group of very important looking uni-kittens in tow.

"And over here," said Snugglebottom to the VIPs, "you'll see how stinky and disgusting this dead thing is as it lies there in the corner rotting."

Uglyface gave him a mean look.

"Oh, that's YOU, Uglyface," said Snugglebottom, pretending to be embarrassed. "I mistook you for a rotting carcass. How droll!"

"What do you want, Snugglebottom? I've got 300 more head of uni-oxen to slaughter before the end of the day," said Uglyface.

"I am here to shut this place down!" proclaimed Snugglebottom.

"Oh my god, I hate you so much," said Uglyface.

And with a snap of Snugglebottom's precious little uni-kitten paws, the plant was shut down.

Now, at this point, I should probably remind you that uni-kittens are carnivorous, which means that they eat nothing but meat So, as you may have expected, two weeks later everyone was starving, and there was not a scrap of meat to be found anywhere. And the Sparkledarkle Forest was seriously overrun with uni-oxen who pooped everywhere and didn't feel the least bit sorry for anyone who stepped in it.

Even Snugglebottom began to look pale and gaunt during his annual "State of the Sparkledarkle Forest" speech.

Everyone was totally mad at him too.

Now, I know you are waiting for Uglyface to save the day by running against his stupid ex-friend Snugglebottom using a campaign slogan like, "The forest is full of shit, and so is Snugglebottom!" But Uglyface was not the type of uni-kitten for saving of anyone's day. He was all about self-preservation. And so he relocated to the nearby Tipsywhipsy Forest, which has relaxed hunting laws, and ate all the uni-oxen he wanted.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

And Now I Must Rant: People Are Gross

Over Memorial Day weekend I used a public bathroom that will surely give me nightmares for many years to come. All I could think as I crouched there balancing myself on the edge of the seat trying to avoid other people's old pee droplets was that during the 18 years I spent living on a farm being forced sometimes to drop trou and take a piss where cows do it, I was never as disgusted with cows as I am with humans. And cows will lift their tails and piss upwind of you on a day with 40 mile per hour wind gusts. Which leads me to the conclusion that people are actually more disgusting than farm animals, and public bathrooms are proof.

1. No toilet paper. Now, when I say that there is no toilet paper, I mean there is toilet paper, but it is in a big wad on the floor soaking up some puddle of piss someone left. Perhaps there weren't any empty stalls, and after twelve seconds of waiting, the pee-er couldn't take it anymore and decided to crouch over a non-functioning floor drain. She then threw a whole roll of paper on the mess and skipped merrily out to continue her day. It was the last roll.

2. Piss sprinklets all over the seat. I know. I know. You don't want to get your ass dirty, so you hover over the seat and let it all out. Well, congratulations, you left a big fucking mess for the next person, you sick whore. (Mark my words. I will pee on your grave one day.)

3. Clogged toilets. It happens. What's gross is that no one ever comes along to fix it, so it all just kind of sits there making a nice stinky toilet stew. And that's all I'm going to say about that because if I go on, I will definitely throw up all over myself.

4. Locks that don't work. We've all taken a pee with one foot up on the stall door to keep it from flying open. Or to keep out those people who don't check for feet before shoving their way into the stall only to realize you are already in their with your pants down, awkwardly mumble an apology, and move on to watch someone else take a dump.

5. Children. No, I refuse to take it back, and you can't make me. Children are germ factories. They other day, I saw one come out of the bathroom carrying the same ice cream cone she had in her hand when she went in. She kept right on eating it.

Taking all of this into consideration, I can come to only one conclusion. From now on I'm just going to find a quiet spot behind a tree. Because someone may have pissed there before, but at least nature took care of the mess.

***I was going to use a picture of a public bathroom, but the Google image search made me hork. So, you get a cow. I hope you like it.