Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Things That Are Terrible
You know what's terrible?
Besides famine, flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, avalanches, rockslides, forest fires, house fires, barn fires, wildfires, zeppelin crashes, plane crashes, hot air balloon crashes, car crashes, bridge collapses, terrorists threats, terrorists following through with their threats, terrorists getting away with what they just did and giggling about it, domestic violence, diabetes, AIDS, cancer, glaucoma, accidental electrocution, purposeful electrocution, scalding yourself in the shower, second degree burns, being out of AD Ointment, having to run to the pharmacy to get more, the pharmacy being out of it, the pharmacist recommending that you just rub a little butter on it, trying that, wondering if your pharmacist was mistaken about this being a good idea, trying to get into the bathtub to wash off the butter while covered in butter, falling down, head injuries, lying in a pool of your own blood for three days, being discovered naked by your landlord, him telling everyone it must have been some kind of depraved sex act involving butter that led to your injury since you fell backwards directly onto your shampoo bottle, extraction surgery, a long and painful recovery, Oxycontin addiction, using the litter box at your parents' house because someone is in the bathroom, alienating your family and friends, intervention, rehab, seeing your pharmacist there, being like "What are you doing here, pharmacist?" your pharmacist giggling maniacally, realizing he's just a crackhead in a white coat, and crying into your pillow every night for the rest of your life?
When you find a raisin in something that's not supposed to have raisins. Like a Caesar salad. Or lasagna. Or beef stew. Gross! Where did it come from?
And that is what is terrible. *curtseys*