Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Mildly Sexual Romance Between Two Consenting Partners

Well, again I have let a lot of time slip by between posts. What excuse can I offer this time except that have been feeling particularly uninspired for the last week AND I've been toiling away at a new Fashion Don'ts post, which is haaaard work.

Therefore, I give you this tale of mild sexual debauchery to tide you over until my next post.

A Mildly Sexual Romance Between Two Consenting Partners

Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince. Which is how many mildly sexual stories begin because inevitably the handsome prince's shirt will come unbuttoned, and we will see his manly pectoral muscles. Therefore, to save time, the handsome prince's shirt was already unbuttoned. And, yes, his pectoral muscles were very becoming. And sweaty.

The prince in question was doing something very unsensual at the time, however. He was sitting on the royal toilet reading about gold futures.

At the same time in a kingdom 15 miles away, there was an equally attractive princess. She had long, golden locks and a very nice face. But at the time this story begins, she was shaving her armpits.

These two lookers were betrothed to one another as they had been since birth. They hated each other.

The prince, whose name was Prince Beckforth III, hated the princess because all she ever did was show him vacation pictures on her camera phone and talk about her cat who died. The princess, whose name was Princess Mandy, hated the prince because he was always walking around with his shirt unbuttoned and talking about the stock market.

So, right about now you're thinking that there is nothing mildly sexual at all about this story, and you are right. And there is a very simple explanation for that. And the explanation is that it makes me very uncomfortable to talk about mildly sexual things. It makes me feel a bit woozy, as I sit here at my desk typing this story and deep throating this popsicle, to write about the rippling pec muscles of a handsome prince. So uncomfortable that I will leave the rest of the story up to you.

If sexual content also makes you nervous, and you just want it to be over, scroll to section 1A.

If you would like the end of the story to finally evolve into hot and feverish touching, scroll to section 1B.

If you would like to read more about popsicles, scroll to section 1C.


There, there. will all be over soon.

If you take the cyanide capsule, scroll to section 2A.
If you prefer me to stop trying to force you to swallow the cyanide capsule, scroll to section 2B.


Princess Mandy had a horrible fever from the tetanus she contracted from stepping on a rusty nail. And as most people do when they are suffering from a high fever, she touched everyone and everything with her hot, sweaty hands. It was very hot and very sweaty, and everyone involved definitely needed to eat a popsicle in order to cool off.



Popsicles were invented by Fred Flintstone of Bedrock during the Mesolithic Age, 10,000 years ago. They were later improved by Jello enthusiast and humanitarian Bill Cosby, who thought to add pudding. Today, you can find popsicles in almost any flavor in the freezer section of your local supermarket. Except potato. I've looked, and they just don't have it.



Here, wash it down with this Kool-Aid. Mmmmmmm...fruity.


Well, this is awkward. Now I'm going to have to finish the story.

If you would like me to finish the story, scroll to section 3A.
If you are bored and would like to visit another website, click here.


Eventually, Prince Beckforth III and Princess Mandy realized that for the good of their respective kingdoms, they needed to just shut up and get married already because if you aren't married to someone of the opposite sex by the time you are 40, you will dry up and die.

This post has been brought to you by Focus on the Family and me eating popsicles.



The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I've had a reader ask me how you make popsicles that resemble men who are sweaty. Well, it's all very simple. First, you find a man who is sweaty. Then, you chisel is likeness from a popsicle sized block of marble, being careful to capture his masculine form in the most artistic manner possible. When you are done with that, make a popsicle that looks just like it using some kind of juice and a freezer. Enjoy!

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head said...

Thank God.

George "The Manstache" Rekers said...

I admit it, I was the one who asked about male popsicles. That was why I went to and found 'Lucien'. I wanted to chisel an image of him carrying my (very straight) luggage. I would then use a tropical blend of juice to make a popsicle and subsequently devour it in front of a banner that read, "Mission Accomplished" while someone took pictures for the magazine Extreme Christian Today. This was all for an article about how we are winning the war against homosexuality. I am not a homosexual as the left-wing media would have you believe.

I also have a bone to pick with the Honorable Mayor for choosing those fockers at Focus on the Family to bring the above story to you. If you had run the piece by my Family Research Council instead, the readers would have gotten a tasteful non-gay story about men wrassling instead of this hardcore porn.