Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Latest Excuse (With Celebrity Guests!)

Now, I know what you're all thinking. Why hasn't Bethany posted anything since April 1? Well, there is a very good explanation for that, and it goes something like this.

Once upon a time, I was working on a very good blog post that would make all of you laugh uproariously when suddenly I was interrupted by the ringing of a telephone.

"Hello?" I said into the phone after finding it under my sofa cushion, turning it on, and holding it up to my ear.

"Hello to you," said a voice on the other end.

"Is this....Michael Douglas?" I asked the caller.

"Why, yes. Yes, it is," said the voice, who was indeed Michael Douglas.

"Well, hi, Michael Douglas. How are you?" I said.

"I am fine," said Michael Douglas.

"That's good to know. How is Catherine Zeta-Jones?" I queried.

"She's good," he replied.

"That's nice," I said, beginning to feel awkward.

There was silence on the other end, so I said, "Michael Douglas, why are you calling me? I am currently in the middle of writing this blog post."

"Well, that's a very, very, very interesting story," said Michael Douglas, "and it goes like, this. Once upon a time, I was at the fish market trying to pick out some quality shrimp in order to make a nice shrimp salad for lunch when suddenly my telephone rang. 'Hello?' I said into the phone after taking it out of my satchel, turning it on, holding it up to my ear, realizing it was upside down, and turning it over so that I was speaking into the correct end. 'Is this Michael Douglas?' said a voice on the other end. 'Yes, yes, it is,' I said, surprised to hear from this person. And you'll never guess who that person was."

"I give up," I said, "Who was it?"

"You didn't even guess," Michael Douglas said, pouting.

"Uh, Vice President Hannibal Hamlin," I replied.

"Very funny," said Michael Douglas, who knows his vice presidents and knew that Hannibal Hamlin is dead. "Guess again."

Well, as you can imagine, Michael Douglas was totally annoying me at this point.

And because he could tell that he was irritating me very much, Michael Douglas finally decided to tell me who the caller was.

"It was SHARON STONE. Can you believe it?" said Michael Douglas.

To which I replied, "And why did you feel like you had to call and interrupt me to share this?"

And Michael Douglas, who is very sensitive said, "Well, if you're going to be snotty about it, I'm not going to tell you after all."

"Okay, talk to you later then!" I said and went to hang up and get back to work.

"WAIT!" said Michael Douglas, "Look, I'll tell you, but you have to promise to not tell anyone."

Now, I should probably tell you at this point that Michael Douglas is a total drama queen. The last time he called me, he talked for 45 minutes about how Ed Begley Jr. ignored him one time at the Daytime Emmys.

"Okay, Michael Douglas. You can tell me your riveting Sharon Stone story, and then I have to get back to work," I said.

"Well......" said Michael Douglas, who LOVES to allow suspense to build before he begins a story, particularly one involving Sharon Stone.

"I'm waiting," I said.

"I'm getting to it!" snapped Michael Douglas.

There was another pause.

"Okay, here goes," said Michael Douglas. "So, Sharon Stone called me."

"And...?" I said.

"And she said that she was sorry to call me when I was clearly in the middle of a seafood shop looking for shrimp for a shrimp salad, but she had to tell me something very interesting," said Michael Douglas.

"What did she tell you?" I asked.

So, then Michael Douglas said, "She said, 'You'll never guess who called me, Michael Douglas.' And I said, 'Who, Sharon Stone?' And she said, 'Guess.' And I said, 'I hate guessing. Why don't you just tell me?' And she said no. So, I guessed several times. And none of them were right. It wasn't Meryl Streep, and it wasn't Vice President George Clinton, who is dead. Nor was it funk innovator George Clinton, who is alive."

"Who was it, Michael Douglas?" I asked, bored.

"It was Charlton Hesston!" said Michael Douglas, doing his best Sharon Stone impression.

"Charlton Hesston is dead," I said.

"That's what I told Sharon Stone," Michael Douglas replied. "But then she said to me, 'No, Michael Douglas, not THAT Charlton Hesston. Charlton Hesston, the plumber I called to look at my toilet.' Apparently, Sharon Stone's toilet has been backed up for weeks and weeks, so she's been living in her pool house so she can use that bathroom instead."

"And this has what to do with me?" I queried.

"Well, Sharon Stone wanted to know if your toilet was working," replied Michael Douglas.

"Uh, yeah, it's working fine. Why?" I said, so ready to hang up on him.

"Well, I hope you are paying it a good wage and providing it with insurance. Hahahahahahahaha!" chortled Michael Douglas, and then he hung up.

And that is why I hate Michael Douglas and his stupid face. He takes the longest time to get to the point.


angiesyounglover said...

michael douglas is so stupid. he doesn't even know the state flower of virgina.

kate said...

That. Was. Awesome.

B said...

At least it wasn't gordon gecko calling michael douglas calling you. Double infuriating.

Michael Douglas, Oscar winner said...

@AYL: It's the dogwood, and I didn't even Google it, smarty pants. Okay, I Googled it.

MIchael Douglas, SAG member said...

@B: That's a good idea. I will do that next time. Whenever I call people as my character from Don't Say a Word, they just get annoyed.

Anonymous said...

I did try to call Sharon Stone one time, but I couldn\'t because technically I\'m dead.

George Clinton w/ P-Funk said...

Dear Honorable Mayor,

Regarding that time I did not call Sharon Stone when Michael Douglas was playing the guessing game. The reason I did not pick up the phone and dial Ms. Stone's number was because she just was not funky enough. While we are talking about vice presidents, I want to say that Dick Cheney must have been able to harness the power of some sort of bizarre funk. I don't know how else one can explain his survival after his seemingly daily coronaries. That man is funkified.

Thank you for your time.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@George Clinton: Any time, George Clinton. And I concur that Sharon Stone does not possess the funk in question.

I think we could call Dick Cheney's funk more of a voodoo. Thoughts?

George Clinton w/ P-Funk said...

Dear Honorable Mayor,

Good call. Yes, that Dick may have a nasty case of voodoo.

Anonymous said...

I hope Michael Dickless dies of AIDS. I fcuking hate him..everything about him! I wish he dies a painful death. Go to hell, Michael Dickless! You are a coward, without a dick..its a wonder how you managed to screw all those actresses on film AND Catherine-Zeta-Jones...maybe he used dildos to do the job his dick could not do! What a pathetic sonofabitch!