Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Those Gays Are Threatening My Freedom Again
Don't you hate it when you're just sitting at home one night, and your doorbell rings? And you aren't expecting anyone, but you're curious anyway? So, you buzz the person up...and it's another lesbian trying to catch you off guard with a marriage proposal?
Gah! I'm not going to gay marry you, lesbians! Stop asking! I've said it before and I'll say it again. "I'm straight, and I have this well-loved Pierce Brosnan sex doll to prove it! Now, back off before I have to get the hose!"
I'm so tired of the indoctrination attempts, I barely got any sleep last night. Yesterday afternoon, when I was at the grocery store, Rosie O'Donnell came up to me and offered to "test my melons for ripeness." And then last night when I was just sitting at home watching Tat Your Ass Off on the Embroidery Channel, I heard a weird scratching noise out on the fire escape. It was Portia de Rossi "just leaving some pamphlets for me to read." The nerve! I immediately shredded the documents, lest I be tempted into a homosexual union against my pastor's better judgment.
It's getting to the point where I can't even walk outside anymore without Meredith Baxter presenting me with roses and a diamond engagement ring. And she won't take no for an answer. I've turned her down four times this week. It's like she has nothing better to do with her time than hide in my neighbors' bushes.
We should all be very happy that gay marriage is still illegal in several states. Because if they legalize it in New York, I'll never get any sleep again. I'll have to barricade my doors against the likes of Wanda Sykes and Ellen Degeneres, only able to sneak out at night while they're hosting awards shows or doing whatever it is that lesbians do when they aren't pursuing me and begging my hand in marriage.
Long story short, we must keep gays from being able to marry. They'll think it's open season and try to intermarry with us straight people against our will. And I cannot and will not let my freedom be compromised as a white American who is allowed to carry a deadly weapon in order to protect myself from wild animals, gang members, and black presidents. Socialism! Flags! Hitler's mustache! Support the troops! Random quote from our founding fathers taken out of context! Et cetera!