Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Happy Belated Birthday, Andrew Jackson, Still Dead!
Seventh President Andrew Jackson celebrated his 243rd birthday on March 15 with his usual class and sophistication. Remaining very much dead, he spent a quiet night still in his grave at the Hermitage.
There was no birthday ski weekend for President Jackson, just the cold embrace of being buried underground. He did not get to sit in a mountain cabin drinking hot chocolate and slapping the asses of ski instructors. He did not relax in a hot tub after a long day on the slopes. He simply stayed right where he was, dead as a doornail.
President Jackson did not meet up with any friends for cocktails. There was no happy hour with $3 draft beers and well drinks. No one surprised him with cupcakes. He was not made to wear a party hat. No one took pictures or sang "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."
He did not go clubbing with John Quincy Adams and Martin Van Buren. They did not rent a limo and stand up through the sun roof to wave at hot chicks and shout things like, "I'm in a limooooo!" No one got arrested for public urination or punching Vice President John C. Calhoun in the face.
President Jackson did not wake up with a hangover the next morning thinking, "What the hell did I do last night?" and roll over to realize that his beloved Rachel was not beside him, finding instead a very naked Senator Henry Clay. He did not leap out of bed in horror and search frantically around a strange apartment for his keys.
And the seventh president of the United States certainly did not walk home barefoot because he couldn't find his shoes on the morning of March 16, blaming their absence on Seminole warriors. Instead, he just remained dead. Which is good because otherwise this would all be quite a scandal.