Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Bethville Drug Rehab Center's Online Rehab Program

Welcome to the Bethville Rehab Center! Now in easy online choose-your-own adventure format. It's fast! It's simple! It's completely free! You can get off drugs in just a few minutes by reading this blog post. To begin the program, read on.

You are addicted to drugs. You admit you have a problem.

If you want to stop drinking, scroll to section 1A.

If you would like to quit using heroin, scroll to section 1B.

If you would like to stop using methamphetamines, scroll to section 1C.

If you would like to read testimonials from other people who have found success through this program, go to section 1D.

If you originally tried Celebrity Rehab, and it didn't work, go to section 5A.

Stop drinking, idiot! Your breath smells like puke.

Did you stop drinking? If you did, congratulations. You get a gold star sticker for your efforts! Here it is:

You may now proceed to section 4A.
If you are continuing to guzzle that scotch and soda, please go to section 2A.

Stop doing heroin, idiot! Don't you know that heroin can kill you?

Did you stop doing heroin? If so, congratulations. Please respond in comments with your address and mail me $100, and I will send you a fancy plaque to hang over your mantle to commemorate you getting off heroin. If you read this and immediately did heroin again, see section 2A.

Meth? Well, now you're just being gross. Why not take just a steel brush to your face and yank out all of your teeth while you're at it? STOP DOING METH RIGHT NOW.

Did you stop doing meth? If so, congratulations. Please respond in comments with your mailing address and mail me $300, and I will send you a commemorative set of dentures to replace all the teeth that fell out during your addiction. If you didn't stop doing meth, well, you're fucked and you should go to section 3A.

"I used to do drugs, and now I don't!" --A guy
"Me too!" --Some other guy
"What the hell is this? I thought I clicked on LOLCats."--Your mom

Did you put it down? Good. Now you can go to section 4A.
If not, go to section 5A.

What? I told you that you're fucked. Meth head.


I was once addicted to [addictive substance]. Then, I went to rehab. There I met several interesting individuals like [name], [name], and [name]. Unfortunately, [name] died because he just couldn't kick [addictive substance] no matter what he did. But I didn't. I lived and now I am an inspiration to all, especially [celebrity].

You're a total dickhead.

Disclaimer: Obviously you shouldn't try this program if you are really on drugs. If you are confused by this disclaimer, please go to section 5A.


Leif Garrett said...

PO Box 100000000000000002
Los Angeles, CA 99999

Tom "The Original Maverick" Cruise said...

I don't believe in drugs. I may also be a douchebag. I also know the history of psychiatry.

I also may be high right now.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I don't know who you are, anonymous faux celebrity poster, but you have amused me greatly.