Friday, February 12, 2010
Suicide Prevention Friday: A Happy Story That Will Surely Give You Diabetes
Happy Suicide Prevention Friday! That day of the week during the wrist-slitting month of February when I attempt to entertain readers with a happy story to keep them from dying by their own hand because this month is so depressing.
Now, I as I am writing this, I am thinking about the untimely death of designer Alexander McQueen, and let me tell you that this really puts a damper on how I like to make light of death because I know that many of my readers were big fans of his work. So I will just say this in consideration of people's feelings: Don't commit suicide. Ever. Unless you are dying of a terrible disease and in wicked pain. You think it means an end to your suffering, but all it really serves to do is make a lot of people who didn't really know you that well suddenly pretend they were your best friends all along. So much so that they will all rush to Twitter to talk about how special you were in 140 characters or less. And then you're nothing but a trending topic. Long story short, don't kill yourself because that's just annoying. Now, on to the story that will hopefully prevent further deaths.
The Very Glorious Story of Maureen the Talking Cupcake
Once upon a time, in a land made entirely of marshmallows, there was a talking cupcake named Maureen. Now, I know what you're thinking. Cupcakes can't talk. But this one did. This is because she was frosted with radioactive buttercream frosting. I know you're wondering how a person goes about making radioactive buttercream frosting. The recipe is below for your reference:
Radioactive Buttercream Frosting
1 16 oz. package of confectioners sugar
1/2 c. butter, softened
3 tbsp. milk
2 tsp. vanilla
1 oz. plutonium from a stolen nuclear warhead.
Beat sugar, butter, milk, and vanilla with an electric mixer until well blended and smooth. Wearing a lead apron and goggles, lower plutonium into frosting mixture. Mix until frosting is glowing consistently throughout. Frost cupcakes evenly. Cackle wickedly as you prepare to serve them to your enemies!
Anyway, back to the story. So, Maureen was a talking cupcake who lived in a land made of marshmallows. And while I am positive that you are wishing you could live there, I strongly advise against relocating because you will totally die of diabetes after ten minutes. Also, it's on another planet, and the atmosphere is poison to humans. So if you do decide to visit but not live there, take along a mask and several oxygen tanks.
Okay, yes, story. Maureen, talking cupcake, land of marshmallows on another planet with a poison atmosphere. Got it? Excellent.
What's that? Oh, Maureen was a lemon cupcake.... No, it wasn't radioactive cake, just the frosting was radioactive. Can I go on yet?
Uh, sure you can have the recipe. Can I give it to you later though? I'm in the middle of this story.
Okay, thanks. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Maureen, the talking cupcake.
One day, Maureen the talking cupcake was skipping through the Rainbow Forest when a person wearing a mask to protect him from the poisonous atmosphere of the planet upon which lay the land made entirely of marshmallows picked her up and ate her. He died for two reasons. 1) He took off his oxygen mask and got a lungful of poison. 2) He ate buttercream frosting that was radioactive, and because he was one of my enemies, my plan was successful and I laughed and laughed. And because he stupidly blundered into a land made entirely of marshmallows in pursuit of a talking cupcake in the name of science, the coroner's report listed his death as being caused by diabetes and I was never blamed for the crime. Mwahahahahahaha!
***Props to whoever created the hilarious image I used above. It is all too perfect, and I adore it.