Friday, February 5, 2010
Suicide Prevention Friday: The Happiest Story in the World (With Uni-Kittens)
Well, February has arrived. Or as I like to call it "National Kill Yourself Month."
February is when you become officially sick of winter but still have March to get through. And then there's the Puke Festival that is Valentine's Day and all the flower-and-chocolate spewing absurdity that goes along with that.
In short, I hate February and wish it would die in a forest fire.
Therefore, to ease the suffering of those of us who are forced to endure February by not dying in January and to prevent any further suicides, I now present you with the happiest, most cheerful story of all time. And I will continue to do this every Friday until this dreadful month ends.
Three Wishes at the Glitter Pond
Once upon a time, there were three happy uni-kittens. (Kittens with horns like unicorns.) Every morning the three uni-kittens met down at the Glitter Pond to drink from the magic waters and bask in the sunbeams that dappled the shores.
The first uni-kitten's name was Snugglebottom. He loved to snuggle! And chase faeries!
The second uni-kitten's name was Fancymittens. She had long, curly whiskers and loved Celine Dion!
The third uni-kitten's name was Uglyface. He liked to lick his own butt and bury dead things so that they would be good and stinky when he went back later to eat them.
One day, the three uni-kittens arrived at the Glitter Pond to find a wizard caught in a trap that Uglyface had put out to catch uni-wolves. "Help me!" the wizard said. "I am a wizard who is all powerful and wise, but I am somehow caught in this trap!"
"Oh, no!" cried the uni-kittens.
"Can you free him?" Snugglebottom asked Uglyface.
"Does a uni-bear crap in the Sparkledarkle Forest?" replied Uglyface. And within seconds, the powerful wizard was free, but he was now missing a leg as Uglyface had to chew him out of the trap in a very gruesome manner.
"Ow!" said the wizard. "You definitely severed my femoral artery and I am bleeding ever so much, but I am so happy to be free, I will now grant you three wishes!"
"Hooray!" said the uni-kittens.
Snugglebottom, who was very good and noble said, "I wish that all the uni-creatures could live in peace and harmony across the land!" His wish was granted, and he ran off to begin soliciting funds for his presidential campaign.
Fancymittens wished for summer year-round, and although that is a very stupid wish because it throws off the balance of the ecosystem, the wizard granted it anyway. And Fancymittens ran off to get herself in shape for bikini weather.
Uglyface said, "I wish you would stop bleeding on me." And the wizard granted this wish, and although his leg didn't grow back, the wound was instantly cauterized and he finally stopped bleeding.
But the wizard was so touched by Uglyface's selfless wish that he said, "Sir Uglyface, your wish was not something for yourself, but for me. You are truly the most noble of the uni-kittens. Therefore, I grant you this ball of magic string so that you can bat it around and chase it. It's ever so amusing." And then he vanished in a flash of light to go to the emergency room and get a transfusion.
Uglyface looked at his stupid gift and thought, what is this shit? He batted it around for a minute until it rolled behind a tree and he forgot what he was playing with and got distracted by a uni-caterpillar. He ate it, it tasted horrible. And then Uglyface threw up.