Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How to Date: Getting Past the First Few Dates, Some Pointers

I know that there are a lot of "dating advice" books out there that tell guys that if they insult a woman in just the right way, she will drop trou then and there and beg him to impregnate her. And I also know that there are books out there that imply that women should be coy and never call a guy and if he doesn't give her a diamond ring by the third date, she should have her mini purse Schnauzer bite his nuts off.

How do I know this? I read dating books. Seriously. I think they are hilarious. My level of amusement is like putting the word "naked" into all of the ADJECTIVE blanks on a Mad Lib to a third grader. (Also PLURAL NOUN: boobs.)

But I think it's all a lot simpler than what those dating books imply. So, here are my pointers, based loosely on my last date, on how to get past the first few dates without making the other person hate you or call the cops.

1. Don't scream in your date's ear.
Obviously there are exceptions.
A) If you are at a loud concert and you say something totally hilarious and your date says, "What did you say?" repeating the words, "Let's do the robot!" in a louder voice might be helpful.
B) If your date is 90 and refuses to get a hearing aid, repeating the words, "I want to tear your panties off so much right now, Gloria," at screaming levels is probably acceptable.
C) If your date is driving a bus and must keep it over 50 mph or the bus will explode, screaming, "AAAAAAAAAA! We're all going to die" is probably okay.
But if you're just making an allegedly hilarious observation that involves screaming, "AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA!" into your date's ear, it might be best to err on the side of just not doing that. Based on my own experiences as said date, I can safely say that screaming should be limited to the sound I make while running away from you.

2. Don't make jokes about how the anti-psychotics you're taking make you impotent. (Followed by, "Hahahaha...just kidding. Don't worry, I'm not impotent.")
Comedy gold, right? No!
A) Impotence is no laughing matter. If the image of a totally flaccid penis dangling helplessly in the breeze is amusing to you, you really need to step back and reconsider what you find funny. It's only funny if said penis is attached to someone you hate or if you draw a mustache on it.
B) Anti-psychotics? Again, not funny. I can't even find a way to twist this into something amusing, so I will leave you to ponder the un-funniness of it for yourselves.
C) "Don't worry. I'm not impotent," implies that you think that your date will at some point want to have sex with you. Trust me when I say that "not impotent" is only one of the many expectations I have for a potential sex partner. Along with "Has a penis," "Believes in using condoms," and "Not a total crackhead."

3. Don't ask your date a question and then provide the answer for her.
For example:
Dude: Have you seen Avatar? Probably not. It's really amazing. You should see it. Now let me tell you all about how I once met James Cameron and he was a total jerk. Then, I'll give you a full analysis of why I think that Martin Scorsese is the best filmmaker of all time. Do you enjoy Martin Scorsese? Probably not. I won't even pause to let you answer for yourself because I'm totally sure that I'm right and anything you say will not be as interesting as what I have to say next. Which brings us to...

4. Stop talking once in a while.

5. Yes, like that.

We've come to my final pointer.....and this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

6. Do not invite yourself over to her apartment. Do not joke about inviting yourself over to her apartment. If she says, "Well, I'm going to go home now," the date is over, and you're not invited.

Following that, I think it goes without saying that going through her garbage, watching her with binoculars, and breaking into her apartment to put your wiener in her leftover potato salad are also potential dealbreakers. But I feel like they are more obvious and don't require any explanation. (No, he didn't do any of those things, but I want to cover all of our bases here.)

Now, I'm not a dating expert, but I feel like this is all pretty good advice. Any additional pointers? Post them in comments.


Jen said...

"Do not invite yourself over to her apartment."

Yeah, that's frightening. Especially paired with anti-psychotics.

Jen said...

My BFF should write these for you, since they're based on her first date experiences, but I'll do it since she's not here:

1. Don't take a first date to dinner at the bowling alley. Seriously, this guy took her to the bowling alley to eat, not bowl.

2. Do not pee in someone's driveway on a first date, especially when your date is still in sitting in the passenger seat of your car, and you're standing there with the door open so you can still talk to her while taking a piss in her driveway.

3. Do not rest your head on her shoulder in the middle of the movie theater.

4. Do not pitch a fit when she doesn't want to schedule a second date with you, while you're still on your first date.