Friday, February 12, 2010
Happy Suicide Prevention Friday! That day of the week during the wrist-slitting month of February when I attempt to entertain readers with a happy story to keep them from dying by their own hand because this month is so depressing.
Now, I as I am writing this, I am thinking about the untimely death of designer Alexander McQueen, and let me tell you that this really puts a damper on how I like to make light of death because I know that many of my readers were big fans of his work. So I will just say this in consideration of people's feelings: Don't commit suicide. Ever. Unless you are dying of a terrible disease and in wicked pain. You think it means an end to your suffering, but all it really serves to do is make a lot of people who didn't really know you that well suddenly pretend they were your best friends all along. So much so that they will all rush to Twitter to talk about how special you were in 140 characters or less. And then you're nothing but a trending topic. Long story short, don't kill yourself because that's just annoying. Now, on to the story that will hopefully prevent further deaths.
The Very Glorious Story of Maureen the Talking Cupcake
Once upon a time, in a land made entirely of marshmallows, there was a talking cupcake named Maureen. Now, I know what you're thinking. Cupcakes can't talk. But this one did. This is because she was frosted with radioactive buttercream frosting. I know you're wondering how a person goes about making radioactive buttercream frosting. The recipe is below for your reference:
Radioactive Buttercream Frosting
1 16 oz. package of confectioners sugar
1/2 c. butter, softened
3 tbsp. milk
2 tsp. vanilla
1 oz. plutonium from a stolen nuclear warhead.
Beat sugar, butter, milk, and vanilla with an electric mixer until well blended and smooth. Wearing a lead apron and goggles, lower plutonium into frosting mixture. Mix until frosting is glowing consistently throughout. Frost cupcakes evenly. Cackle wickedly as you prepare to serve them to your enemies!
Anyway, back to the story. So, Maureen was a talking cupcake who lived in a land made of marshmallows. And while I am positive that you are wishing you could live there, I strongly advise against relocating because you will totally die of diabetes after ten minutes. Also, it's on another planet, and the atmosphere is poison to humans. So if you do decide to visit but not live there, take along a mask and several oxygen tanks.
Okay, yes, story. Maureen, talking cupcake, land of marshmallows on another planet with a poison atmosphere. Got it? Excellent.
What's that? Oh, Maureen was a lemon cupcake.... No, it wasn't radioactive cake, just the frosting was radioactive. Can I go on yet?
Uh, sure you can have the recipe. Can I give it to you later though? I'm in the middle of this story.
Okay, thanks. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Maureen, the talking cupcake.
One day, Maureen the talking cupcake was skipping through the Rainbow Forest when a person wearing a mask to protect him from the poisonous atmosphere of the planet upon which lay the land made entirely of marshmallows picked her up and ate her. He died for two reasons. 1) He took off his oxygen mask and got a lungful of poison. 2) He ate buttercream frosting that was radioactive, and because he was one of my enemies, my plan was successful and I laughed and laughed. And because he stupidly blundered into a land made entirely of marshmallows in pursuit of a talking cupcake in the name of science, the coroner's report listed his death as being caused by diabetes and I was never blamed for the crime. Mwahahahahahaha!
***Props to whoever created the hilarious image I used above. It is all too perfect, and I adore it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Well, February has arrived. Or as I like to call it "National Kill Yourself Month."
February is when you become officially sick of winter but still have March to get through. And then there's the Puke Festival that is Valentine's Day and all the flower-and-chocolate spewing absurdity that goes along with that.
In short, I hate February and wish it would die in a forest fire.
Therefore, to ease the suffering of those of us who are forced to endure February by not dying in January and to prevent any further suicides, I now present you with the happiest, most cheerful story of all time. And I will continue to do this every Friday until this dreadful month ends.
Three Wishes at the Glitter Pond
Once upon a time, there were three happy uni-kittens. (Kittens with horns like unicorns.) Every morning the three uni-kittens met down at the Glitter Pond to drink from the magic waters and bask in the sunbeams that dappled the shores.
The first uni-kitten's name was Snugglebottom. He loved to snuggle! And chase faeries!
The second uni-kitten's name was Fancymittens. She had long, curly whiskers and loved Celine Dion!
The third uni-kitten's name was Uglyface. He liked to lick his own butt and bury dead things so that they would be good and stinky when he went back later to eat them.
One day, the three uni-kittens arrived at the Glitter Pond to find a wizard caught in a trap that Uglyface had put out to catch uni-wolves. "Help me!" the wizard said. "I am a wizard who is all powerful and wise, but I am somehow caught in this trap!"
"Oh, no!" cried the uni-kittens.
"Can you free him?" Snugglebottom asked Uglyface.
"Does a uni-bear crap in the Sparkledarkle Forest?" replied Uglyface. And within seconds, the powerful wizard was free, but he was now missing a leg as Uglyface had to chew him out of the trap in a very gruesome manner.
"Ow!" said the wizard. "You definitely severed my femoral artery and I am bleeding ever so much, but I am so happy to be free, I will now grant you three wishes!"
"Hooray!" said the uni-kittens.
Snugglebottom, who was very good and noble said, "I wish that all the uni-creatures could live in peace and harmony across the land!" His wish was granted, and he ran off to begin soliciting funds for his presidential campaign.
Fancymittens wished for summer year-round, and although that is a very stupid wish because it throws off the balance of the ecosystem, the wizard granted it anyway. And Fancymittens ran off to get herself in shape for bikini weather.
Uglyface said, "I wish you would stop bleeding on me." And the wizard granted this wish, and although his leg didn't grow back, the wound was instantly cauterized and he finally stopped bleeding.
But the wizard was so touched by Uglyface's selfless wish that he said, "Sir Uglyface, your wish was not something for yourself, but for me. You are truly the most noble of the uni-kittens. Therefore, I grant you this ball of magic string so that you can bat it around and chase it. It's ever so amusing." And then he vanished in a flash of light to go to the emergency room and get a transfusion.
Uglyface looked at his stupid gift and thought, what is this shit? He batted it around for a minute until it rolled behind a tree and he forgot what he was playing with and got distracted by a uni-caterpillar. He ate it, it tasted horrible. And then Uglyface threw up.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I know that there are a lot of "dating advice" books out there that tell guys that if they insult a woman in just the right way, she will drop trou then and there and beg him to impregnate her. And I also know that there are books out there that imply that women should be coy and never call a guy and if he doesn't give her a diamond ring by the third date, she should have her mini purse Schnauzer bite his nuts off.
How do I know this? I read dating books. Seriously. I think they are hilarious. My level of amusement is like putting the word "naked" into all of the ADJECTIVE blanks on a Mad Lib to a third grader. (Also PLURAL NOUN: boobs.)
But I think it's all a lot simpler than what those dating books imply. So, here are my pointers, based loosely on my last date, on how to get past the first few dates without making the other person hate you or call the cops.
1. Don't scream in your date's ear.
Obviously there are exceptions.
A) If you are at a loud concert and you say something totally hilarious and your date says, "What did you say?" repeating the words, "Let's do the robot!" in a louder voice might be helpful.
B) If your date is 90 and refuses to get a hearing aid, repeating the words, "I want to tear your panties off so much right now, Gloria," at screaming levels is probably acceptable.
C) If your date is driving a bus and must keep it over 50 mph or the bus will explode, screaming, "AAAAAAAAAA! We're all going to die" is probably okay.
But if you're just making an allegedly hilarious observation that involves screaming, "AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA!" into your date's ear, it might be best to err on the side of just not doing that. Based on my own experiences as said date, I can safely say that screaming should be limited to the sound I make while running away from you.
2. Don't make jokes about how the anti-psychotics you're taking make you impotent. (Followed by, "Hahahaha...just kidding. Don't worry, I'm not impotent.")
Comedy gold, right? No!
A) Impotence is no laughing matter. If the image of a totally flaccid penis dangling helplessly in the breeze is amusing to you, you really need to step back and reconsider what you find funny. It's only funny if said penis is attached to someone you hate or if you draw a mustache on it.
B) Anti-psychotics? Again, not funny. I can't even find a way to twist this into something amusing, so I will leave you to ponder the un-funniness of it for yourselves.
C) "Don't worry. I'm not impotent," implies that you think that your date will at some point want to have sex with you. Trust me when I say that "not impotent" is only one of the many expectations I have for a potential sex partner. Along with "Has a penis," "Believes in using condoms," and "Not a total crackhead."
3. Don't ask your date a question and then provide the answer for her.
Dude: Have you seen Avatar? Probably not. It's really amazing. You should see it. Now let me tell you all about how I once met James Cameron and he was a total jerk. Then, I'll give you a full analysis of why I think that Martin Scorsese is the best filmmaker of all time. Do you enjoy Martin Scorsese? Probably not. I won't even pause to let you answer for yourself because I'm totally sure that I'm right and anything you say will not be as interesting as what I have to say next. Which brings us to...
4. Stop talking once in a while.
5. Yes, like that.
We've come to my final pointer.....and this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.
6. Do not invite yourself over to her apartment. Do not joke about inviting yourself over to her apartment. If she says, "Well, I'm going to go home now," the date is over, and you're not invited.
Following that, I think it goes without saying that going through her garbage, watching her with binoculars, and breaking into her apartment to put your wiener in her leftover potato salad are also potential dealbreakers. But I feel like they are more obvious and don't require any explanation. (No, he didn't do any of those things, but I want to cover all of our bases here.)
Now, I'm not a dating expert, but I feel like this is all pretty good advice. Any additional pointers? Post them in comments.